raj
Feb 13, 2018
This poem is part of the workshop:

Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

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Some Reflection [Sunku Workshop]

Isn't bald
but wider
my forehead.

Someone
I guess Time
mowed the grass

Moon beams
make me reflect
in diffused light

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

More from this author

Comments

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 2 months ago

Great write,
Thank you, I relate to the subject and I love to clearly see your face staring at the moon questioning the nature of time.
My suggestions

Isn't bald
but wider
my forehead.

Someone
I guess Time
mowed the grass

Moon beams
I reflect
in diffused light

Explanations: I changed sun to time,
I suspect there is no room for sun and moon in the short poem. Both symbols negate each other.

The rest of suggestions improve the flow but less important. My sense of flow is subjective. Hopefully other readers will contribute to the matter

R

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Thanks IRiz ...the subtle changes you in first two stanzas accompanied with very valid explanation are apt, accepted and implemented...thanks for using your magic...

Regards..

R

I am hard nut when it comes to making change but pretty open when the suggestion/critique makes sense. Besides there is always an option to make further changes if deemed fit...that's how is the learning process ain't it...which is why I jumped into this workshop...

Regards...

S

God only made so many perfect heads. He hid the rest under hair lol. I'm not sure but "isn't" sounds like 2 syllables when I say it

IRiz

It is a matter of taste after all.
Precise count of syllabi is not always possible and not very important. I consider it is secondary after simplicity and flow