The storm began
back in my childhood
I was naive and clueless
The storm picked up momentum
the clouds got darker
the rain came down
in sheets
I traveled blindly
through it all
I could bear it no
longer
I picked up a shovel
and started shoveling
earth
into a bottomless
pit
The weather subsided
Very slowly
the cyclonic eye took birth
Comments
I wonder
why hasn't this gain much attention and no comments.
It caught my breath with its quick pace. I expected the death of the traveller, being alone in such a weather, but that last line left me a bit in puzzlement, and though I can't clearly interupt it, I still like it.
brevity in its best,I believe.
Thanks for sharing Leo.
Thank you Rula
I am really glad you liked it. Actually, I have tried to share a very personal experience that is quite difficult to bring into the realm of verbal expression. It means a great deal that it caught and sustained your attention
Thank you once again.
Warm regards
Leonard
an intriguing write
well written..I really like it, even though I don't know what you are saying - because it still really says something to me -- the storm did not abate, until the narrator started to do something about it
the cyclonic eye appearing though - does this mean we are only halfway throught the troubles...?
well written Leonard, it captured my attention...
a couple of suggestions
I don’t think you need the ‘way’ at the beginning of the second line, nor the ‘and the’ in ‘and the rain came down in sheets’
Also, I would break this into shorter stanzas – they make the readers pause and this makes them time to think about what has been read. I suggest breaks at ‘the storm picked up momentum’ and I picked up a shovel’ and ‘the weather subsided’ ..... all in my opinion mind.
a good read, thank you
love judy
xxx
Thanks Judy
Thanks for the suggestions. I have incorporated the changes. Later, I will revise the rhythm.
Actually, this piece is very personal and hence the intrigue. The weather is a metaphor for the turbulance in once mind which quietens down when one changes his/her perception. The only way - at least in my humble opinion - one can change is way of thinking is by a change in perception.
Thanks, once again for the discerning read and the suggestions.
Love
Leonard
great edit Leonard
but there was no need to explain your write. I think anyone reading it would understand that it is a metaphor for some sort of tribulation - mental or physical.
What I meant when I said that I didn't understand what you were saying, was that I didn't know the particular problems you were speaking of - it is your own personal, but the reader is easily able to relate this to their own troubles
- one reason I like it, and a great poetic reason...
love judy
xxx