Hannah Moonlark
Hannah Moonlark
Jan 10, 2020

So Real

It was
So real

My boots in the winter snow
The sock monkey in her hands
Her bright red hair

Her beautiful face

Her beautiful voice
That gives me colonies of butterflies
That
Sends me to a place where
I am great

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I do not like this poem very much. Would like some help with the editing!

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Canada

More from this author

Comments

themoonman

There are always improvements that
can made. Some simple suggestions,
don't use the word "beautiful" unless
it is the only fit and certainly don't use it
twice.

Sometime a shorter version may help,
like for your ending ... most of the same words,
and meaning;

Sends me colonies of butterflies,
where I am great.

weirdelf

Either click on 'Edit' and make the changes you agree with or else tell these seasoned, published and very good poets why it is ok to use the word 'beautiful' at all, let alone twice.

You know we all volunteer to help you and others, when feedback is ignored, it doesn't have to be accepted but anyone in the world of poetry will tell you the word 'beautiful' is always a cop-out in poetry.

There is so much potential here. You have caught the attention of some of our best. Please work on it and join my workshop, you need it.