Snow

I'll take your hate
every last bit of it
and hold it close
until it turns to love.

I'll hold it close
until it turns to rain
until it turns to smoke
that black fire rainbow
until it turns to mist
and I watch It melt away.

I'll watch it fly away
as it grows soft wings
up up and away.

I'll watch it fly away
as it grows strong wings
up up and away.

endlessly floating
endlessly dreaming
endlessly surfing and riding
endlessly floating
endlessly surfing
the cold jagged clouds and beyond.

endlessly floating
endlessly dreaming
endlessly breathing
and needing, endlessly
surfing, endlessly riding,
the cold desolate clouds and beyond...

I'll watch as it soars
and becomes a white dove
up up and away.

I'll watch as it soars
and finds it's place among the stars
up up and away my love

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Scotland

Favorite Poets: Sylvia Plath

Comments

There is...

a lot of repetition here. I'm sure that you can consolidate some of these verses and make use of the different ways you describe the flying away. For instance:

I'll watch it fly away
endlessly floating
forever soaring
always dreaming
ever surfing
the cold, snowy clouds.

I changed the word [ jagged ] to snowy because; I don't think that word jagged relates well to clouds. [Also [snowy] does relate better to the title. I did like the reference of smoke as being a black fire rainbow. Maybe you can do something more with that? The basic theme is good and I would like to see you make this a really good poem. ~ Geezer

thank you for your

thank you for your suggestions. i use repetition in my poems quite a lot, for better or worse lol Sometimes it comes off and well sometime it doesn't i suppose but Im gonna tidy up the middle part of this one, gonna put a bit more meat on it's bones. It's hungry and it needs fed lol

Much like

me and rhyming. Sometimes I can make it good, more than often I can't pull it off. All in all, a good poem. I like the concept and the general theme. The images were quite good as well. I would like to see you use some of Geezer's suggestions and take out some of the repetition to see how it sounds but all in all, a good write.