with special thanks to Judyanne and weirdelf:
daylight swept away
by encroaching night
waning
memory of purest
delight
water lilies
folding
closing
sun-sensitive petals
as birdsong ceases
and I too
fade
from your sight
until all is gone
and I am
naught
in your mind
but
a time aged photograph
Last Few Words: thank you.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Comments
I like
I like the 1 st version. Because it sounds better in my mind and easier to grab the meaning. I also like the words "sun-sensitive petals".
Love the idea.
Thank you Nilmini,
for taking the time to read both versions and respond. Very nice to meet you!
always, Cat
let me tell you dear Cat
I've been hooked by the title. I really like it and with my respect for the two revisions I like the first because of that simple line 'sun sensitive-petals. Slight differences though so you can either satisfy Steve by taking his suggestion into concideraton or keep your own 'Snap shot. Much enjoyed the photo :-)
Dear Rula,
Thank you for your input on this piece! I too, am attached to that line!
always, Cat
Anna
Both versions are excellent, as you know Steve brings in that underlying edge to the way he arranges things, but your words to prompt his are equal to the task.
Well done both of you, Yours Ian.T
Dear Ian,
a visit from you is always most welcome.
always, Cat
I haven't changed a word
But I think this reads better. What do you think? There is nothing wrong with long, coherent lines, and it makes the single word lines stronger.
daylight swept away
by encroaching night
waning memory of purest
delight
water lilies, folding, closing
sun-sensitive petals
as birdsong ceases
and I too fade
from your sight
until all is gone
and I am naught
in your mind
but
a time aged photograph
.
.
Dearest Jess,
I see what you mean. ( I don't know why I always go to the short lines. That is a problem trait I have. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't)
love, Cat
p.s.
I'm thinking...
"sun sensitive petals, folding closing"
Stripped of the petal line it does merely flow
I remember reading Sexton who went through
tons of critique and rejection (Like years, before
her works were published in the major mags
of her day) (and she did this to supplement family income)
she wrote a lot of lines a lot of descrptors
Now here we have three different offered versions of
your work Like the workshop approach
great suggestions all!!
Dear Steven,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.
always, Cat
Hi Cat
When I bagan reading this I thouht "line break needed here and here" . But I just read it straight through and upon completion decided the present form accentuates the snapshot feel of the whole thing. Hmmm......"as bird song ceases" to me using ceases denotes a more gradual end, which might be what you intend. But if you want the ending to be more sudden(like camera flash) you could use stops instead of ceases. Almost forgot to say I like the poem and its pacing...................stan
Hello Stan,
Yes, I did intend for it to be gradual, like I've heard out my window. Thank you for your thoughts!
always, Cat
Cat
I enjoyed reading this poem all of the suggestions given are good. so I have nothing to add to them
Hey Chrys!
Thanks for reading!
love, Cat
hi cat
i like your version with that extra line. but i find both writes jerky to read. i agree with jess re the line lengths and spacing requiring a change. here is my suggestion. i haven't changed a word either :)
daylight swept away
by encroaching night
waning
memory of purest
delight
water lilies
folding
closing
sun-sensitive petals
as birdsong ceases
and I too
fade
from your sight
until all is gone
and I am
naught
in your mind
but
a time aged photograph
a beautiful write cat, i love it all, but i especially love the finish
love judy
xxx
Dear Judy,
I am caught between your version and Jess'. I like them both very much. I guess I will have to read them both through a few times before I make my decision. Thank you for the work you always put into your critiques.
love, Cat
Cat, you never replied
to my suggestions.
Of course you must feel the original is better, but the coherent phrases add something for me.
Dear Jess,
I am so sorry for the silence! I have had a stomach bug and haven't been on the computer for a few days! It was a lousy way to spend a weekend by being ill! And I really hate stomach ailments because I can't enjoy anything, not even music! I very much appreciate the time you put in thinking about this poem. I like yours and Judy's suggestions and can't at the moment decide between them! I would never ignore you on purpose. Even when we disagree, I still appreciate your energy.
love, Cat
I dare to tread ,Cat ,do pardon me where stalwarts speak...
The easiest task is to scrub afresh
the most difficult is to germinate,
A thought.
‘’Life is a negative
the snap alone
is a positive
it lives....’’
Anon
snap shot
daylight
swept away
by encroaching night
waning memory
of purest
delight
water lilies
folding
closing
sun-sensitive petals
as
birdsong ceases
I too
fade
from your sight
until all is gone
I am
naught
in your
indelible mind
but now
a time aged
photograph…
minor changes
within the frame work of my shivering heart
loved it
Perhaps could modify to....
'''hourglass wrinkled snap/photograph ...''
since one would never know
when the snap was taken
Dear Loved,
I thank you for your double comments and suggestions :) they are greatly appreciated. I'm glad to read them and that you took the time to read my poem and offer suggestions makes my little heart glad :)
always, Cat
p.s.
Sunday and Monday we had no internet as server was down! Bummer!