I told a friend to look behind his back
He turned round to see a cripple crawling
then jumped and ran to nearby side track
because he thought a car was approaching
We laughed to see the fear on his brow
The lame was angry by our reaction
He picked some stones all set to throw
We explained it was not our intention
to mock or make a jest of him by that
but to let our chary friend step aside
as he wore a comical mammoth hat
and couldn’t see a thing from either side
This turned out to be a very big gaffe
as no apology could make him laugh
Jan 10, 2012
A Slip-up
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
I feel,
I feel this still needs some work, it has the makings of a good humoured poem. I have a few ideas how to help, but i will wait to see your response. Regards Roscoe...
Go ahead...
this is an experiment, an attempt at new forms from my traditional way of writing and quite frankly, I posted it to be corrected. Please, feel free to say what ever you think will help me improve, not only on the piece, but also on others. Thanks and best wishes.
tr