Sixty Six

Sixty six - an unpoetic age
to pen, for plaudits, on this splintered stage.
My bones are aching and I need to rest
in dreamless sleep, on days when I’m depressed.

Poetry is wasted on the young,
while senile sonnets have to stay unsung!
An ageing poet’s, after all, a fool;
discarded, like an obsolescent tool.

“Old age is just a number,” so they say,
“The old are growing younger everyday!”
But I don't buy that patronising crap,
when every afternoon I need a nap!

Sixty six - the age you start to think
of making out your will with borrowed ink,
from poems, which are best left there to lie,
like dozing dog or cocooned butterfly.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: an old poet's rant

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Buxton, Derbyshire., GBR

Comments

Neopoet AI

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Sixty Six" captures the feelings of an aging poet who is struggling with the idea of being past his prime. The language used is simple and straightforward, but lacks any real poetic flair. The rhyme scheme is predictable and borders on cliché at times.

One suggested line edit would be to change "in dreamless sleep" to "in peaceful rest" to add a bit more nuance to the idea of sleep.

Overall, while the poem conveys a relatable sentiment, it falls short in terms of originality and poetic depth.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

I think that...

your poem is right on the money as far as the theme goes,
but the rhythm is off.
There are some places I would add an extra syllable or two.
I think that I would use: [is] "an unpoetic age" in the first stanza

First line of the second, might be: Poetry is wasted "on the [clueless] young

"An aging poet [is], after all, a fool"

How about [each and] every day]?

In the last line of the third stanza, you might try "a [little] nap".

I would use, [some] "borrowed ink".

"like [a] dozing dog or cocoon[ing] butterfly.

I may have missed a place to add an extra syllable, but I think you get the gist of what I say;
many times, while the lines look fine on paper and a quick run through in one's head, the reality is
that a spoken aloud line will reveal the weakness of it. What makes the difference is,
the natural way we speak and breathe, and it is not totally dependent on meter, it's great when
they work together, but sometimes...
~ Anyway, I wouldn't say that this is uninspiring, just a bit rough on the edges. ~ Geezer.
.

66

Thanks for the feedback. I know this one needs a lot of editing.

Sixty-Six

Love the word "unpoetic!" The basics of any two things in life can be described in those two wise words: poetic or unpoetic. I think AI always has good intentions with the suggestions it gives, but again, it suggests to use a word not only twice, but very close together. ( I wonder if certain words "trigger" it and then it latches onto them. Not sure.) If this is highlighting your birthday, Happy Birthday! Hope it's fantastic! I feel the pain here, too. "...senile sonnets have to stay unsung!" So true, but I consider a sonnet more about real love than any other form of poetry, and that wisdom comes with age. I am rambling, but I sure enjoy this with its great language: splintered stage, borrowed ink, cocooned butterfly.
A decent and justified rant!
L