BlueDemon77
BlueDemon77
Dec 27, 2012
This poem is part of the workshop:

fixed verse – it's not a curse

(Read More...)

Silver String unraveling

sensuous slide of candiru
microgram of the guinea worm
established vectors of swine flu.
ebola's soul in frightful form

of the pandemics something more
duet required, eyes glazed with hell
vectors unleash the oozing sore
and we all kindly open cell

two to four and four to eight grow
nibbling faster through us they go
cures obscure and circus lure blow
hucksters twitch from the tree moon's glow

minds engaged to improve the earth
universal foes unconcerned
with good in life, the births, the love
They would as soon as have it burned

religion-less, the world earth breath
half want to kill, half long for death

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Columbus, Ohio, USA

Favorite Poets: Rimbaud

More from this author

Comments

BlueDemon77

It's not even started yet, I got the idea "what if consciounceness decided after Aeons of time that the human race experiment was a failure" and this is what came out. It came out hard and fast so I wrote it down and saved it here with barely a spell-check. I have no idea what it is, but I'm saving it for a revisions example for a future workshop or blog. In the mean time, Most of Neo thinks I'm a shite poet...hehe

Ron

Seren

Seren

12 years 3 months ago

I read and understood this if you read it a couple of times it becomes clearer
I don't know who would say your a shite poet because your not

I've had a rough patch myself lol coming good now

Keep on writing I'll keep reading smile

Love Jc x

BlueDemon77

I appreciate your kind words, and I just recently thought I had come out of a rough spell. I'm glad this is written down, the DNA for what I mean to say is in there. It will be far more clear I hope. I so appreciate you and Beau reaching out to me. It means a lot to me.

Thanks :)

Ron

Ian.T

Ian.T

12 years 3 months ago

Liked this piece and the references to the worst things that can invade our bodies, love the "candiru" especially.
You will be writing with Gee and his Killers soon lol,
Yours Ian.T

BlueDemon77

I'm glad you liked it Ian, though I'm wondering what is to like at this point. I'm considering a fasting, sleep-deprivation thing to get it to the surface. The last one didn't work, but the three prior were very successful.

If this comes out as I wish, it will not be gross, but by far the most metaphysical of my poems. Here's hoping.

Thanks Ian,

Ron

judyanne

hi ron
I guess you know where the meter is out
and it is out a lot
imo it does need some work in places, in others you can get away with the mix…
an unique theme – a bit dark for me though
great choice of words give the piece a really grave feel
I reckon you should work on this – make it really great
love judy
xxx

BlueDemon77

I appreciate the read and critique. I like the concept much more than the execution. I agree, it's much too dark. I fell into the 'imagination of disaster'. Truth be told, this nakedly shows how much influence William Burroughs and Nabokov have on my voice.

Ron