lovedly
lovedly
Jun 15, 2018

silliest humour

When I was in school years ago
my school girl Captain
a very smart and sweet gal was she
said hello you
come see
here
i c u r more
HOLY than Righteous

I learned two words
HOLEY
and
RIGHT YES

I was woefully poor
and
wore a green sweater
with a million holes

That's how my old sweater story goes
You said on such incidents
I must poetry compose

here is my first silly dose
she
The gal
was a
pretty(iest)
ROSE...

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: UNIVERSE...ETERNITY C/O ME, ROU

Favorite Poets: All across the Internet whom I read

More from this author

Comments

Mallory

The sights were reminiscent of ones experience.
From my own point of view, you dropped a hefty imagery, metaphors that gave the poem a staunch backbone. Styled with slanted lines to picture the state of the situation /mood .The poem it self has a humorous slanting method.

I was woefully poor
and
wore a green sweater
with a million holes.

Such wretched life is terrible, especially when you encounter an angelic damsel you loved, such ugly and tattered outfit wouldn't allow you to have a say to the lady you admired. You would always carry along with mental picture of her thinking about... if i had a better life, i would one day get to her.

Love the way you write.

IRiz

IRiz

6 years 10 months ago

Hello again!
Nice poem. I like it very much
But maybe you want to work on it a little longer?
Some words your repeat can be omitted without losing information, for example
You can write

Years ago
my school Captain,
a very smart and sweet gal was she,
said, "hello you
come see
here
i c u r more
HOLY than Righteous."

I've learned two words
HOLEY
and
RIGHT YES.

I wore a green sweater
with a million holes.
And she was dressed like a princess
and smelled like a rose.

Here was my first silly dose
of learning.

IRiz

Because I am not an expert.
Because it is you who has a picture in front of your eyes.
Because you are the author of the lines.
You are a great poet who has all the means to write on his own.
Every poet goes through many iteration of their write before publishing.
First it is idea.
Second it is well developed description.
Third it is cut to the crispy essence message.
In your poem you may want to add more about
your time at school, description of the girl, your feelings, anything that comes to mind when you read your lines and travel back there.

My suggestion was an example, but it is not good as a poem. It uses banal words like princess, only you can add real description of the girl the way you remember her.
Write on!
Hugs.

lovedly

I confess
you alone help
and
now perhaps only by you here
Lovedly is being read

So I shall compose afresh

mangoes oranges leaves and trees compose more about long walks in the breeze on horse back think of yourself a cow boy with times up your sleeves like hell think of the black hole you read about yesterday think about the stars and galaxies distant away think of your friends and teachers at school who loved some did you fool think of the Garden of Eden where guys now go to steal no not fruits like in olden days we used to but pluck real human oranges and pears see how life changes and with what one compares think of what you can think and prove the world will think of a new born FROST maybe Shakespeare in you ...
Now think how a poemised version of this prosaic would do
let me thank and think of you