wesley snow
wesley snow
Jun 12, 2015
This poem is part of the workshop:

Meet The Masters

(Read More...)

Shelley (Masters workshop)

The original

Ozymandias
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

My version.

Ramses the second.

He’s buried in the sand yet rising tall.
Unmovable, unstoppable, a Master of us all.
The legends hold us rapt and won’t let go.
Our books, our films, in some their dreams will show
just how he holds, though millennia dead.
Millennia dead and we know that he said-
“Look on my works and despair.”
It’s written in the stone, it’s written in the air.
His face is Empire.
His body grips the Earth.
None in remembrance length can surpass.
The grains wide about are filled with a mass.
Witness the knee prints of ghosts in the sand,
then look to his eyes and their cold reprimand.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I think the concept of turning the poem in the other direction is cool, but the poetry is quite weak.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Southern California, USA

Favorite Poets: Tolkien

More from this author

Comments

China Blue

As always you have nailed this piece
It may seem weak to you but that is part of our discussion
There is something about the one line
"witness the knee prints of ghosts in the sand" the imagery in this one line alone is strong
the entire poem raises the arm hairs

alidzain

I second chry's view. I don't think this is weak poetry.

Alid

wesley snow

I'm bowled over. I thought the only thing cool about the poem is that it took an opposite perspective of Shelley's.
I kind of threw it on the page in a fit of righteous indignation Ramses must feel after five freaking thousand years just sitting there.
You try doing that (he said to me).
Thank you.

judyanne

instead of simply 'his body grips the earth' something like 'his body grips the deserted sands' - to get the feel of desolation that Shelley brings? Just a thought, otherwise I love your rendition....
( you'd be using the word 'sand' twice in the poem if you did that - but I'd then suggest you drop it in the first verse- 'he's buried, but rising tall' ....)
Lol - when the workshop was first announced I looked at Shelley and this very write - but you got in first.... and you did a much better job of it than I would have

Love judy
xxx

Rula

Rula

9 years 6 months ago

introducing Shelley's
and thank you for sharing yours.

wesley snow

But what are doing over here? This is closed. Not that I don't love hearing from you anywhere.