judyanne

Oct 30, 2012

This poem is part of the workshop:

Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

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she rocks

she wakes late
the sun too high
he must be hungry
why hasn’t he cried

the bright (too bright)
lit room
teddies
mobile angels
sway

he is so tiny
but too still
too white

between two heart beats
eternity
splits

her mouth
obedient
opens to scream
but her voice betrays
too thin to penetrate knowledge
that slowly thickens the air

through viscous veils
of unreality
she reaches for him
clutches him tightly
shelters him beneath her heart

begs him
wake up
wake up

rocks him gently
while tears cascade
and her body convulses
in spasms of terror
concentric tsunamis that

expel her spirit
from illusion

and that's how they find her
when at the last they have to
prise him from her grasp
as she continues to rock
and gasp quietly
wake up
wake up

she rocks still
dwells
in a world where
her arms cradle invisibility
.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many

Comments

Very impressive

descriptive peace dear judy. Very touching
Many lines have touched me deeply especially the following as they really tell how any mother would feel for such a loss

and that's how they find her
when at the last they have to
prise him from her grasp
as she continues to rock
and gasp quietly
wake up
wake up

Do you think you real need the the break between

concentric tsunamis that

expel her spirit
from illusion

It is indeed very memorable for me and mindful too.

P.s I wonder why you've started as "she wakes" not "she woke" as you're in the process of talking about a definite day and situation not about any other day.

hi rula

hi rula
thank you so very much for the lovely and supportive comments

as for the break
‘concentric tsunamis that …
expel her spirit
from illusion’
yes I want it there -

as for ‘wakes’ – I wrote the whole incident in the present… if you note, I continue the last stanza with present tense, even though it is in the future of the incident and could be just after, or months, or years after – I leave that for the reader to interpret (or debate how I have used time in this poem lol if iwas ever lucky enough to have it ‘studied’)

the present tense I hoped would draw the reader into experiencing the incident as it happens in a way that the past tense would not

lol – all in the hope of presenting a memorable poem
thanks rula
love judy
xxx

Hi MM

One of your best....................stan

hi stan

thank you very much for the so supportive comment
love judy
xxx

Dear Judy,

Your title was misleading, but that is my fault. I love when you write free verse. I think it allows you more freedom, which you utilize to the maximum. From the first line, I was drawn in and committed to the read. My goodness (Badness?) but it is emotionally and psychologically deep, and I was rivited to each line. Ny favorites are:

she rocks still
dwells
in a world where
her arms cradle invisibility

always, Cat

thanks cat

for the suppportive comments, your opinion is always appreciated.
do you think i need to change the title?

love judy
xxx

I have,

I have returned quite a few times to this poem, wanting to comment but not sure what to say. This is a beautiful poingnant poem and, well and nothing sometimes it's just best to absorb. Love Roscoe...

roscoe

thank you so very much for the very supportive comment
love judy
xxx

Judy

A story that has to be told, as it releases the whole thing into reality.
Always the same response that time will heal.
No time just helps us to come to grips with something so bad.
I can only praise any Mother that has gone through this and can put that little life in a special place and carry on...
What is there to say, Yours Ian.T

hi ian

thanks for the read and comments
love judy
xxx

Dear Judd

I am sitting here stumped without anything constructive to add, its a painful poem to read

I felt every emotion you wrote into this poem .... stunning poetry

Brava

love and hugs JC xxx

thanks so much jc

for the very supportive comment
love judd
xxx

I'm working backwards from most recently posted

trying to catch-up on my remiss in lack of critique. Please don't feel I am picking on you, I am being harsher on you than others for two reasons. You've posted twice as much to this workshop, and as a peer I know you can take it.

this time I read other's comments before I commented. A bad practice. But I'm glad this time I did. The poem got nowhere near my cerebellum or viscera, but see that it did for others.

be as harsh as you wish jess

be as harsh as you wish jess – I always hit the 'I want the raw truth’ button

obviously this write isn’t for the cynical ((((smiles))))
I actually wasn’t sure of it myself, not having actually ever experienced it… so I am glad others found they could relate

love judy
xxx

Judy,

Oh my what a strong topic, one that every person
hopes never happens but it does to many.

I loved it but felt it could still stand some tweaking.

First verse sets the stage very well, draws the reader
in for the rest of the read.

Second verse; do you need "lit"
the bright
too bright room
teddies (I want to put a "with" before that)
angels swaying

concentric; doesn't fall off my tongue very
well there( may just be my old country self)
but I would use "concentrated"

from illusion; I felt unneeded but...

I did feel the strength of the last verse
could be better, the idea is there but
it could be stronger.

all in all a wonderful piece of writing Judy,
one of those that makes one say "damn,
I wish I'd written that"

thanks
Richard