regaling in a sunshower
wetness
dripping
from petals flush
a small blush
she,
once of dreams only,
gushes
love's mystique
au natural
Jun 03, 2012
She
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
...it is superb
Love this, but why don't I like the ending?
It is so delicately bold and then what one may call a cliché ending,
I think it all demands a natural ending,
otherwise you will get our minds wandering to water in a bottle
and being saved, well you know where that comes from.
Oh do do something because the rest of it is superb,
the sensitivity, the colours, the feel of dew wetness,
the naked beauty of a girl, its an atmosphere I take
with me for the rest of the day, thank you.
Luv Ann of Norway.
awesome al
until the last line - as ann says - it spoils it
maybe something more along the lines of 'revived' ' renewed'
- or do you think you need that line at all?
love judy
xxx
hello Ms Judy and Ms Ann,
hello Ms Judy and Ms Ann,
This piece got published (posted) inadvertantly, prematurely, accidentally...my two male cats were causing a rukus. I jumped up to scold them. upon returning to the computer I noticed this poem was posted. Sobeit I thought...I'll leave it alone and see what happens. I do like it a lot myself. It was a quick write, so I didn't get to live with it for long...I too, upon reflection, don't think the last line is needed at all...it shall be removed...we have reached a consensus!
thank you both for your precious feedback and cultured poetic palettes.
sincerely,