Shadow Tracks

this verse "I recoil in horror,"

It brought to mind a malevolent snake, which really gets to me as I absolutely dislike that creature.

Something tells me that the entire point of this poem was to end up in "...different shades of grey". For some reason, that very last verse doesn't work for me. I loved the imagery, because I felt it was building up to something major.

But I still think it's a good write. :)

Nice to read again after the break.
An apealing theme. I really like like it.
A tiny change "so" in the last stanza to be replaced by "that". Only me you know, the decision is surely yours.

Just a play with the last stanza, I thought that the whole thing was a good theme, but as a few have picked up the last stanza I thought I would have a go.
Take care young Mand, Yours Ian.T

If I am exposed;
by a light cascade,
I shrink back in horror,
and step back in the shade.

So I reside indoors
Closed in my reality
Where I can always be
My deathly shades of grey

I guess, as intended by you this really emotes a grey feeling through usage of words and sequence of verses which creates good imagery. As effective as the Title ...raj

somehow I like this poem as it is
but perhaps you should change the last stanza as others say
after all you know the best mand
good work !
;)

here
we all are shadows
some short
some long
the bigger/longer the better
far from us

You are both welcome to visit my cave,
I shall prepare a cup of thoughts for you both.
Good ones that will stay with you, all the next year.
I shall give you a gift of faith, not only in yourselves,
But faith in all the ones you will meet.
Go with unconditional love as always,
Yours Ian xx

I think this is a good poem I checked the edits and noticed you haven't yet changed the ending I cant think of an alternative ending right now but I will have a think about it, this is a poem that could be made even better right now the suggestion box of my mind is empty its 1am lol

I will return tomorrow

I hope you and yours had a wonderful Christmas and New Year

much love JC xxx

The poem itself is almost like a creative tribute to text-book trauma induced depression, as such the ending is entirely appropriate.

A powerful and well written piece.

"Among the basement blacks"....this line makes me envision a bunch of black folks cowering in a basement and I'm pretty sure that's not what you mean. maybe something like" among the dark coal sacks"? But this Does do well in describing a person who feels extremely disconnected. Hmmmm...........if there is a way to say crack instead of cracks then you could change blacks to black which would avoid the vision of black folks.............stan

I like the poem and your original ending, describes
a phobia many can relate to, most feel at least temporarily.

The only suggestion I have is on your first stanza, I thought
a comma after the word "demon" would indicate a stop,
causing a strengthening of the word "hated" and I believe
I'd use "the" instead of "a" ... the hunchback (everyone knows
who that is).

By the way, great title, it drew me in for the read.

thanks, enjoyed the poem,

Richard

... this is kind of depressing. Good, but very sad. I imagine that's what makes it good.

I'd like to write.
The theme and the your words, both work hand in hand to make this a success. I like this really. Can't suggest any change.

Well, I guess its all been said, but I would just like to add my two cents worth of appreciation for the way this was written, and the way it affected me! You are obviously a talented young lady who reaches deep within herself to bring poetic themes to life! This one is really special!

One, if you finish with a period you really should follow with a capital.
Two, "and" is a rejoinder and should operate by itself (no commas) and only one per sentence (unlike my usage here which is incorrect). It separates two halves of sentence and should not be used multiple times.
Grammar lesson Wesley.
I still like the poem though. Rather dark for you... or is it?

In the first stanza the semi colon is unnecessary.

"The Italian printer Aldus Manutius the Elder established the practice of using the semicolon to separate words of opposed meaning and to allow a rapid change in direction in connecting interdependent statements. The first printed semicolon was the work of Aldus Manutius in 1494. Ben Jonson was the first notable English writer to use the semicolon systematically. The modern uses of the semicolon relate either to the listing of items or to the linking of related clauses." Wikipedia

"According to Lynne Truss, a British writer on grammar, many non-writers avoid the colon and semicolon for various reasons: "They are old-fashioned", "They are middle-class", "They are optional", "They are mysteriously connected to pausing", "They are dangerously addictive (vide Virginia Woolf)", and "The difference between them is too negligible to be grasped by the brain of man". "

The single word "stooped" needs only a comma, but in truth the semicolon is so ethereal it can be used in this case. Picky aren't I? This is also true about the third stanza. I don't think any punctuation is needed as it is a complete sentence without.

In the last stanza I would like to see you eliminate the repetitive "so". You could begin the line with "therefore" and make sure you have a comma before the second "so" or you could leave the first one and replace the second with "and". There are other options as well, there are but two. Remember that repetition without specific effect is merely redundant.
Do not fear your thesaurus, it is our friend. Mine is The Synonym Finder. What is yours?

"Every word has worth." Benson

Think of yours.