Round 2
"Hello …you look
familiar."
"Really?Have I
met you before
somewhere?"
"You went to
Duncan Myer
High.Right?"
"Yea! I did
did you …?"
"Yea …Go Duncan
High Rangers!"
( Whoa! What a hook!)
Flag on the play
she has a class
bumper sticker
on her car.
Round 2 to him.
Round 3
"Hello we haven’t
met yet."
"I’m sorry how
should I know you?"
"I’m a friend
of Inez."
"Oh I know her
too…"
(Whoa!That was
a smooth line!)
Flag on the play
she picks her friend
up from work every
other day and
she wears a
name tag at work
Round 3 to him
she is putty in his hands
Comments
I am...
intrigued by your form in this poem! More like a script of narrative, but still...
I like the theme, but I am confused by the sequence. Are you having three different conversations?
Can you use some way to differentiate between the hidden thoughts from the actual conversation?
Now, as to your composition of your sentences and spelling:
1] I would use [see ] instead of meet
2] Use [ met ] instead of meet
3] The [ h] is missing from should.
I hope this helps, ~ Geezer
it is all one exchange.
Maybe I will get some guidance as to how to make that clearer. Please elaborate on the Met Meet as far as what line the swap needs to be made in.
Thanks for your critique.
David
I meant...
the line: "Hello, we haven't [ meet ] yet." It should be; [ met ]. ~ Geezer
I like the pun on Master Baiter/Masturbater
but in fact this guy sounds like a bit of a stalker, which sinister tone is lacking from the poem.
I guess
what I was relating was the glibness practiced by stalking working the charm, and how methodical their grooming is. So I am going at it from the perpetrators perspective. How it becomes a game with them.
Thanks for the critique.
So in a way
by your concluding in your comment that you sensed that he was a stalker indicates that in that manner it worked.
I will post my more sinister on next.
You know me and how i liked to toss around various forms, and structure. All this good feedback is bringing back into the swing of things. I hope to redevelop my critical viewing as well, so i can start reviewing, and critiquing poets again confidently.
I Know
Sorry this just didn't go in, I have read it several times and the form just wouldn't send the correct message to me.
Is there a correct reason for writing a poem, is there an impression a poem must give.
May be a cue for a workshop on clarity is called for and the purpose of a poem, not sure.
Yours Ian.T
this was also a shortened
this was also a shortened rewrite of another poem wrote by you, this lacks cohesion you must prior to that
emmm
this sounds more like a written script instead of a poem to me. I would suggest verses describing the stalking action instead of conversations but that may not sit well with the title...
Alid
Hi
It might be the narrow vertical form of this poem which is bothering some people. Each time a line ends there is a natural pause in the flow whether there is a comma there or not. And with so many artificially short lines this comes across as being choppy. So you need to decide for yourself whether the form is going to over ride the ease of conveyance. I Did like the way you used almost total lack of punctuation to clarfy which part of this was an aside............stan
In terms of structure, without changing a word,
see how this looks (you would need to use advanced formatting):
-Silly Putty Girl vs Master Baiter-
Round 1
" Hello,nice to
see you ."
"Uh hi…have
we met…?"
"Nice shoes!"
"Why thanks
I just bought
them…"
(Whoa!)
Flag on the play
he was there
when she got
them at the mall!
Round 1 to him…
Round 2
"Hello …you look
familiar."
"Really?Have I
met you before
somewhere?"
"You went to
Duncan Myer
High.Right?"
"Yea! I did
did you …?"
"Yea …Go Duncan
High Rangers!"
( Whoa! What a hook!)
Flag on the play
she has a class
bumper sticker
on her car.
Round 2 to him.
Round 3
"Hello we haven’t
met yet."
"I’m sorry how
should I know you?"
"I’m a friend
of Inez."
"Oh I know her
too…"
(Whoa!That was
a smooth line!)
Flag on the play
she picks her friend
up from work every
other day and
she wears a
name tag at work
Round 3 to him
she is putty in his hands
Thank you
Excellent feed back. I look forward to returns I am dealing with an illness in the family lately but look forward to being back regularly.
Sorry about the illness but Good you will be back
I have really missed you, my friend.
Please do have a look at the re-formatting I suggested. I believe it will make the whole thing clearer.
I think...
that it is; the "Hello's' that throw everyone off. I still tend to think of each of the verses as being a separate conversation. Or maybe, it is the [stalker] thinking of different ways to approach his victim? Holding each of them in his head before the approach? ~ Gee