Senryu String: Fields Of Dreaming (by eddy styx)
her signature scent
wafting on room's air current
fills his head and mind
will she stay this time
he ponders this question now
hopes fulfilled she sleeps
candles on night-stand
their heads on same pillow smiles
soft night spent dreaming
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
The language...
makes these strings smooth and lanquid, like the mood they are supposed to portray.
"hope fulfilled she sleeps"
"soft night spent dreaming".
Nice stuff, ~ Hugs from the boys, Geez.
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thanks Geez,
I've been getting into Senryu lately. I would like to see some more from you.
ever, eddy
*hugs, Cat
Thought I had done some...
but it is worth doing some more. I will attempt to do as well as you have done. ~ Geez.
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hey Geez,
yes you did...I'm just greedy and want more, LOL
Bravo
Just leave that alone. It says what you need it to say. Nice language. Perfect pattern.
dear Tim,
thank you for reading and the uplifting comment >{^*;*^}< *hugs, Cat & eddy styx!
The pedant in me feels obliged to comment!
Only thing wrong with this poem is that you forgot to put an apostrophe between the m and the s in room's! Sorry, I was a teacher for 16 years (17 if you count the year of training and schoolwork) and it was the first thing I noticed! Otherwise, this is s lovely poem!
hello Lord Barham
please don't be sorry for pointing out a problem. these are some of the things I like to know! thank you for reading and critiquing my poem. all advice is welcome. I try to always read a poem aloud before posting, but that isn't one of the things that would stand out.
ever, eddy styx
*hugs, Cat
Fine poem indeed
I'm begining to covet this kind of style. Very soon, I would like to create some thing like this. Changing gear is necessary for optimum performance of speed. LoL!
dear Onyinechi,
thank you for reading and commenting. I hope you do write some senryu strings/chains. they are fun to do and give the mind exercise. I would love to read them!
*hugs, Cat
ever, eddy