breaking creates noise
is mending fences unwise
youth is in turmoil
Jul 20, 2018
Senryu # 3
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This poem was was inspired by Rula's poem "To My Son" which I found pretty moving and in the context of the tribulations today's youth endure
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
My honor
dear friend. If I could inspire a talented poet like yourself!
I wished you could find a replacement for "does" in the last line.
I understand your choice is valid for emphasis, but still I feel it reluctant.
It's still your gem!
Kudos!
Rula
ever since reading your poem "To my Son" these words were trying to find a space...they did today...
i think you meant "does" in the first line and not the 3rd...i will certainly find a suitable alternative...
good to know that this Senryu made sense to you..
PS : I instantly implemented your valid suggestion dear friend Rula...
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Dear Friend Rula
now makes me think if i should change the third line to "what should youth proclaim"..when you return please.let me have your thoughts on this my mentor... i wonder what lies in store for the current young generation who will be confused about what line they should toe....
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Dear raj
I'm not sure either. I see different ideas in each line. Youth is really in turmoil nowadays, but we still have faith in them, don't we? So, I thought you can keep this one as is and maybe write another seneryu implementing the word 'proclaim' as it holds a better feel of the coming generation.
Another idea, you might think of extending the seneryu to tanka to clarify what you hope from them to do the next few years maybe.
Now I'm more concerned with 'is' that starts the second line.
Some punctuation is needed there, but as these forms don't accept punctuation, I'm not sure how to solve it. I didn't pay much attention to it last night when I first read it.
Sorry that I couldn't help much.
Hi Rula
thanks for coming back to read with your comments and suggestion.
You're welcome
dear friend.
Maybe you meant to say 'as' not 'is'.
That would solve the confusion I think.
Rula
I think is is the right word...what i am trying to express here is
youth is in turmoil being unsure which line they should pursue offensive [making noise] or constructive [mending fences]
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Ooops
my fault that I didn't get what you wanted when you said "which line to toe". Sorry.