raj

Apr 12, 2018

Screenshot

With luck of dice we met one night
and wined and dined within our eyes
then played a game of snakes and ladders
on the board of our naked hide

it was a win win game with nothing to hide
full of frolic and playful fun
the play went on till the clock struck one
then it was time to shed inhibitions

she wore her charm with a naughty smile
and a "come on" look in her dreamy eyes
I swept my eyes all over her form
not sure where I should begin

some things happen with conscious volition
while others are driven by desire
the next few hours we lost all control
ending up like entangled flowers

her candid smile and velvet lips
said more than any words of praise
after catching our breath we set up a date
to go on a treasure hunt next..

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

o raj _sublime

................. then played a game
of snakes
and ladders(IN VALLEYS could be more appropriate to the situation)
on the board
of our naked hide.....'''

o raj this is the very first sexy INK poetry
'coming''out from your ''pen''

read wherever you can as
Intended pun!
lovely fun more next
well done

change the title you may as
HOT SHOT
Damn what an exciting piece
coming from the ocean East

Hi Lovedly

let me say that this was not meant to be obscene...period.
.......................................................................................................

did I say

obscene ??????
this one was worthy
of being seen
all must have
shot their screen
don't worry
we won't scream
etc B happy

I discerned a certain rhythm in the read until this line "it was time to shed inhibitions" for my feel, (then was it time to shed inhibitions) hold the flow and does not come so abrupt.
over (the)next few hours we lost all control, sounds better to an american ear.
for some reason I want to read (entangled flowers)

The poetic quality comes over very clear; but the continuity does not always conform to my american ear.

Thanks Tyro

for the read...your comments and suggestion....which being worthy have been implemented...hope this now works better...

thanks again..
.........................................................

Very Deep Heart felt Emotions

"her candid smile and velvet lips
said more than any words of praise"...made me think a lot I'm sitting back on this nice Spring day and happy to be apart of Neopoet.

:With luck of dice" this phrase made me think twice I feel the poem is deep I wouldn't change a thing I discerned a certain rhythm to it as well.
Please continue to be you just who you are on the inside.
Very nicely done thank you for your cooperation.

Hi Mario

thanks for your time read comments and words of appreciation...good to know you liked it...

thanks again..
...................................................................................

what I like most is the clean

what I like most is the clean and dignified way you present this eroticism. Definitely a class act.

Hi again Tyro

Your comment means a lot because it recognized my intent and the essence

Thanks..
.................................................................

Hi raj

I think this is really good blank verse. It was smooth enough that I kept on expecting rhymes to fall in place lol. Only thing I ca suggest is in line 2. Might think about changing "in" to within..........stan

Hi Stan

Appreciate your taking time to read and respond with a suggestion...the change proposed by you is spot on and hence implemented...

good to know you found this smooth...

thanks and regards...

I like the narrative

sounds like a score. Maybe you'll get married! Happened to me!

My favorite line was "ending up like entangled flowers"

I would not repeat the word "hide" so closely.

In a poem of uneven rhymes, it is I think important to end the poem in the rhythm and with rhyme. The current end with the word "next" has no sound connection to the stanza, making the poem end flat. As is "treasure hunt next" a tongue twister...so I would reconsider the last line or some aspects of the stanza to make it work better (for me)

...

Hi Eumolpus

Thanks for the read ..comments and suggestion.

I may clarify that "hide" in first stanza is in the context of skin, whereas in the next stanza it is in the context of "out of sight"...

As for the last line...i will reconsider an alternative..

Thanks again..

"so I would reconsider the

"so I would reconsider the last line or some aspects of the stanza to make it work better (for me)" I also had trouble we the last line, and after reading the comment of Eumolpus a suggestion came to me. But i doubt if you will like it because it might be out of line with the soft, tenderness of our piece. Mine is a bit loud.

to hunt treasure the next time we blaze.