You weren’t anticipating
this unmanageable
feeling.
It left you cold
staring
Something that
you'd purchased,
at the downtown pawn
Moonlight slipping through
the cracks in the window.
The feeling in your chest
had reached a crescendo.
You placed a round
into the chamber.
Feeling no remorse
and sensing no danger.
You spun it around
with your middle finger.
Put the gun to your temple,
pulled the trigger and
BINGO!
Last Few Words: Sadly enough I can't feel a thing, but I hope my words won't be misconstrued.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Russian Roulette! (a bullet to the brain)" is a dark and intense piece that explores the theme of suicide. The use of short, choppy lines and simple language adds to the overall feeling of despair and hopelessness.
The first stanza sets the tone for the poem, immediately drawing the reader in with the line "You weren't anticipating this unmanageable feeling." The speaker's emotions are palpable, and the reader can sense the weight of their pain.
The second stanza paints a vivid picture of the scene, with the speaker lying naked and reaching for the gun they had purchased. The use of the word "moonlight" adds a touch of eerie beauty to the scene.
The third stanza builds tension and suspense, with the feeling in the speaker's chest reaching a "crescendo." The fourth stanza is the climax of the poem, with the speaker placing a round into the chamber and spinning it around with their middle finger.
The final stanza is powerful and shocking, with the speaker pulling the trigger and ending their own life. The use of the word "BINGO" is a jarring contrast to the seriousness of the subject matter, and adds to the overall impact of the poem.
One suggested line edit would be to change the line "feeling no remorse and sensing no danger" to "feeling no remorse, no fear of the stranger." This change would add a touch of ambiguity to the poem, leaving the reader to wonder who or what the stranger represents. Overall, "Russian Roulette! (a bullet to the brain)" is a powerful and emotional poem that leaves a lasting impact on the reader.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Well done
This is great. The ending is my favorite but the whole poem captures the emotions of the writer and walks you through those final moments and thoughts. Great job.
Russian Roulette
Although it was suggested it was suggested that I tweak it a bit. I chose to leave it
as is. Thanks to all who read and comment, please do!
Suggestions
Merely are just that. It is a great poem as is. We are here to offer feedback but it is always the authors choice whether or not they implement anything suggested.
I like...
the decision to retain the "BINGO" at the end, it gives a sense of intrigue. Does he die, is it the end? Or is it Bingo! I win again? ~ Geezer.
.
Good poem
Indeed, it's good.
The touching line is 'it left you cold
staring up at the ceiling'. The beginning of suicide!
I agree,
it was a good decision to let it be!
*hugs, Cat
thanks all for your comments.
thanks all for your comments.