Edited
Broken pottery,
a bowl held in winter's hands;
eternity paused.
Original
Broken pottery,
a bowl held in winter's hands;
shattered shards of love.
May 24, 2015
Retrospective in Clay: Epilogue
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hello Jonathan
I always liked the title used in the three styles.
I especially loved the second line.
I thought you could have come with a more original third line. I felt like the "shattered shards" is a bit clichéd
Other than that, it is a "wow" little gem.
The third line is weak, agreed.
I'll review and update. Thanks for the notes.
i like this very much
and find no problem with the third line....
Very descriptive, and I like the use of winter and broken pottery to describe a broken relationship
but haiku is one form that shouldn't use punctuation (to my knowledge)
enjoyed
Love judy
xxx
Thank you
I'm, reviewing the rules of punctuation for Haiku, I'll be honest, it's a form I visit so infrequently that I do not know off hand.
As for the third line, I am uncertain. I've added an edited version with a different approach. I'll let them sit so I can review later and see which one propagates the strongest message.
I really like the edit
Went off for a quick check re punctuation - seems I may have been led astray by someone(s)...
I have quickly gathered that the Japanese do use it, that early English versions used it, recent editors/publishers took a dislike to it, and lately it has come back into vogue somewhat - although the jury seems to still be out over the whole thing....
xxx
Ah, well, that makes sense
Thanks for checking up. My initial reviews did not turn up anything definitive.
I have always felt
that these sort of discussions among "scholars" indicates that poetry is still very much a living art and changing all the time.