Blue-eyed Bolla
Blue-eyed Bolla
Sep 19, 2023

Retired

I'm lonely, Lord, this cruel spring day.
I've lost the will; I've lost the way.
And this ill wind that bends the trees
blows in my face a bitter breeze.

I'm empty as an arid cloud,
left lifeless in a corpse-clad shroud.
I've ceased to toil without a rest
to feather someone else's nest.

I've left the busy world of work.
Behind my window blinds I lurk,
to watch the race I’ve left behind.
I’m morbid, so by most, maligned.

I'm ageing like a knotted oak.
To not one soul this day I've spoke.
The years slip by as I sit still
upon this unfrequented hill.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Maybe how some people feel after retiring?

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Buxton, Derbyshire., GBR

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Retired" explores themes of loneliness, loss, and the speaker's withdrawal from the busy world of work. The imagery of the cruel spring day, the ill wind, and the arid cloud effectively convey the speaker's desolation and isolation. The use of rhyme and rhythm adds a sense of musicality to the poem.

One suggestion for improvement would be to further develop the emotional depth of the poem. While the speaker's feelings of loneliness and emptiness are clear, it would be beneficial to delve deeper into the reasons behind these emotions. Exploring the speaker's past experiences, regrets, or unfulfilled desires could add layers of complexity to the poem.

Additionally, consider incorporating more vivid and specific imagery to enhance the reader's connection to the speaker's emotions. For example, instead of using the phrase "left lifeless in a corpse-clad shroud," consider using concrete details that evoke a stronger visual image.

Overall, "Retired" effectively captures the theme of loneliness and

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

the AI says. I was a little unsure of the use of unfrequented, but looked it up, and it does work that way, although not well. Maybe just arrange the line differently and use another form of infrequent? ~ Geez.
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Lavender

A real sense of loneliness here. Even the flow and pace feel lonely. You've captured how some people may feel about retirement. Hmm...I feel the need to disagree regarding "unfrequented" (sorry, Geezer!) for two reasons: I like the alliteration it shares with "upon" in the same sentence, but also, that "un" declares the intensity and looks and feels more pronounced to the theme of the poem - the loneliness. My very humble opinion, though. :) Another wonderful poem from you. You capture the highs and lows we all experience in life.
L

Blue-eyed Bolla

Many thanks, L. 'Unfrequented' just slipped out as I lay down the last line. Just seemed right somehow. Again, thanks for taking the time.

Geezer

for having an opposing viewpoint. I don't consider myself to be the ultimate authority on anything, and certainly won't be offended for your having a different opinion. [I have been known to change my mind when someone presents a good argument, and you have presented a good one]. ~ Geez.
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