Visions In The Fire
I sense a culmination
in close approximation
it brings a shudder
this sensation
of expected expiration
like embers glowing
in the campfire
soon to burn out
like dying note of
polished lyre
I note the winds have changed
carrying smoke
and fallen leaves
with the changing season
my heart grieves
and yearns for
lost days gone by
the ghosts that fly
in the face of
our handful of tomorrows
*it had been suggested that the title is not right. all suggestions are welcome. thank you!
Comments
I think
the title is very apt.
I like the sense of urgency in the poem. The short lines accentuate this.
I like how you have conveyed the impending end, tinged with sadness. It's very atmospheric.
Jx
thanks Jane,
you give an excellent critique with thoughts and feelings from the heart!
*hugs, Cat
sorry can you help me
in finding some pattern
that you had in mind
be kind
I have not much
of a discernible mind
now also almost
half blind
dear lovedly,
this poem is about ageing and the passage of time. I hope that helps to clear things up for you. thank you for responding, it is appreciated.
*hugs, Cat
I think...
that your title is fine. I am more focused on the pattern of the poem [which you changed up rather neatly]. The word [defoliated] just seems too unwieldy and breaks the rhythm. I think you could safely use a different word to give the idea of the changing season. Maybe something like: fallen leaves, discarded leaves or colored leaves? I would just delete the word [awaited] in the verse:
in the face of our tomorrows. It doesn't change the line and makes it a bit better in rhythm. Just my opinion, after all. Good theme and well expressed. ~ Gee.
.
thank you Sir Gee,
for your welcome suggestions of which I have implemented most of. I hope you are well and enjoying this weekend :)
*hugs, Cat
Hmmm....,Hmmmm.....
Try just adding "like" to the start of the title
hey Stan!
thank you for your suggestion. let me think on it :)
*hugs, Cat
So I return
After a busy week, and what do I find?
My favorite silver-haired witch, back at last.
I like this one a lot. It's got that "moment between moments" feeling that I always strive for - you know, where the words draw you down into the reading, the lines and cadence take you to places filled with thought and feeling, and when you come out the other side, you feel like no time has passed, even though it has.
Good stuff, and good to see you.
hey Jim!
it is so good to see you, too! how have you been? I hope that life is treating you with the proper respect? thank you for your deep analysis of this poem and sharing your thoughts with me! I always appreciate your thoughtful comments :) ready and waiting to read more of your poetry.
yours in friendship and respect, Cat