They are confident in laden with
a lot of energy of driven effort of
the utmost trained quality to and
its actions to defender attacks
and the strength to defend .
With skills in and mentality to have ,
and not easily defeated in thus
to watching out for of attempts of
skillful talent going all for it
no anger but technique .
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hi Seeker,
Because content is subjective, I love it but
I'm a huge fan of MMA.
The title is good, did bring me in but thought
it could be better.
The word "confidence" is used wrong, should
be "confident" the way the sentence is structured.
Overall use of language, I found to be lacking.
Best advice I can give, less is more. Your reader
doesn't need every word you've chosen here to
create the image and it could be easily culled down
without changing much.
The ending could be stronger but the idea is there,
those guys so often look defeated and bring it from
out of nowhere to win.
thanks for sharing and it's good to see someone
that has an appreciation of the sport.
Richard
Hello ,Richard
I appreciate the Welcome and for your insight as a guide , and for the correction ,
nice to hear that you also like sports me also like sports and practice martial arts .
I have now worked on the suggestions to shortening ,I hope that improved .
My best regards
Seeker,
Ok, when I said less is more I meant it but you've cut
this down so much you've almost lost the image. What
I really meant was to take some unnecessary wording out,
no need in describing something and then telling them again
what it is, if that makes sense.
Our feature here is very cool, your revisions can be compared
when edited.
This is your poem but I suggest you give it a while and come back
when you've a better idea on what you want to convey. The content
is such a strong one, action packed sitting on the edge of your seat
kind of write, think about how you can get that on paper.
Sorry if I am confusing, I confuse myself all the time.
regards,
Richard
Hi Richard
Ok will do that I'm glad you think it have a good of the athletes that is what i want to describe
i have edited a little change of this poem hope dont get you more confuse i do too sometime !
Again thans and best regards
Pattra
Hi Seeker
I am sure your English will improve leaps and bounds with the same "spirit" which this poem of yours is about. Reading more will also improvise your vocabulary and construction. Your attempt and choice of theme is appealing. Keep writing...
Regards,
Thanks again raj ,
I have made some change ,what do you think ?
My best regards
Pattra