It's really sad
When family care and
Most likely understand, but
you can't help feeling overwhelmed
by the disappointments of life
Feeling hopeless
you can't tell them your sorrows
because they're too trivial, selfish,
childish, and self-centered
Been told too many times to put others first,
but when trying hard to do that,
the mental challenges it takes to empathize,
makes it harder to grasp whether thoughts
and ideas are right or wrong
In the end it's usually wrong
when you can't read faces and body language
Getting it wrong every time the wind shifts
Comments
Thanks Jayne
I totally agree and like the way you did this.
When writing this I was very tired but felt the need to write
Thanks again for the suggestion I will make the changes.
This is a diary entry
This is a diary entry. There is very little poetic value in this presentation and it makes me think "oh poor me." I have a hunch that is not where you wanted me to go, but the poem places me in no other place - completely unimpressive.
However, there is much that can be done with this as it is an age old story that many people will be able to relate to. What will make this sing is to find a way to bring this old topic to the forefront in a new and exciting way. Bring the attention away from 'self' and help it to be understood by all.
As it stands, this piece will not have the impact you desire.
~Pamela
it happens to all of us
all the time
but we have to swallow
each time ....
as we are destined to
Barbara, a poem works only
Barbara, a poem works only because the reader reading the poem is touched in one or another manner. Almost always it's on a subtle but insightful level.
Take the poem and write an experience of what you're saying, when you were probably filled with all types of emotional situations and you had to listen to someone else's troubles.
Then flesh it out and make us suck the marrow from its bones.
~A
Thanks for all the suggestions
I will certainly work on it. I was hoping for just thus type of critique to make these feeling do just as all of you've suggested
Again I appreciate all the suggestions
A~ I fully see what you are telling me about the experiences. I even have some experiences in my mind i think will work, but writing it now I feel i must rewrite the entire poem to revised it to that point. Why not share a revision you think will work with an experience. I certainly will consider using.