Rula

Oct 31, 2012

This poem is part of the workshop:

fixed verse – it's not a curse

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Description: Context can be critical to poetics. For example, poetry that records historic events in epics, such as Gilgamesh, will necessarily be lengthy and narrative, while poetry used for liturgical purposes (hymns, psalms, sutras and hadiths) needs to have an inspirational tone. Elegy and tragedy are meant to evoke deep emotional responses, while comic is supposed to provoke laughter.

Various forms of poetry have been ‘invented’ throughout history, as poets have attempted to find the most appropriate and effective way to use sound to present their message.

Poetic form refers to various sets of "rules" followed by poems of certain types. The rules may describe such aspects (amongst many others) as the rhythm or meter of the poem; its rhyme scheme; use of (for example) repetition or alliteration, even length.

This workshop will be an ongoing (superficial) examination of various forms within the ‘western’ tradition, in which we will simply take one at a time and, after a short discussion to ascertain its purpose, attempt to write one ourselves (or more if we so desire).

Leader: judyanne

Moderator(s): wesley snow

Objectives: The goal of this workshop is to familiarise ourselves with various types of poetry in order to raise our awareness as to the effectiveness of different forms to deliver different messages. It is also the goal of this workshop to practice our iambic/ trochaic, in preparation for a future sonnet workshop.

Level of expertise: Open to all

Subject matter: A form of poetry will be presented once a week. It will not be necessary for you to try every form if you join the shop – merely the ones that interest you. It will be necessary, however, to contribute to short discussions and comment on any poems posted by others in the shop.

Please note: the AC has changed it so Workshop postings no longer count in the one-poem-to-be-submitted-a-day rule. Members can post as many workshop contributions as they need to and still post a poem a day.

This workshop is closed.

A Quatern.. When Summer Dies

When Summer dies as Fall's endorsed
the greenness fades away-expires
no color paints nor bird upsoars
as coldness creeps and warmth retires.

The leaves ignore the blissful life,
when Summer dies as Fall's endorsed.
While blown, each leaf enfolds a strife
to tell a life it oft adores.

The beasts in peace shall sleep with snores,
awaiting Spring to warm again
when Summer dies as Fall's endorsed,
the creatures have a little gain.

But oceans, seas, and lakes survive,
infusing life with more than shores
to keep the earth awhile revive,
when Summer dies as Fall's endorsed.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Dear Judy

I have parsed the piece just as a practice .

When Summ||er dies|| to Fall ||endorse||
the green||ess pass||es 'way ||, expires|
no col||or paints|| nor bird|| upsores
as cold||ness creeps|| and warmth||retires||.

The leaves|| ignore|| the bliss||ful life||,
when Summ||er dies|| to Fall|| endorse.
While blown||, each leaf 's|| a strife||
to tell ||a life|| it oft|| adores||.

The beasts|| in peace| |shall sleep ||with snores,
Await||ing Spring|| to warm| again||
when Summ||er dies|| for Falls|| endorse||,
the crea||tures have| a litt||le gain||.

But o||ceans, seas||, and lakes|| survive,||
infus|ing life|| with more|| than shores||
to keep||the earth|| awhile|| revive||,
when Summ||er dies|| to Fall ||endorse.||

‘when Summer dies to Fall

‘when Summer dies to Fall endorse’
'endorse', to my knowledge of the word, doesn't really fit in this context rula
perhaps something like
‘when Summer dies to Fall’s soft force’

‘the greenness passes 'way , expires’ – I will start calling this lazy – it really doesn’t work (for me anyway) some other shortenings are fine – but not ‘away’ – at least not in the middle of a verse – maybe at the beginning…

maybe something like
'the greenness - leaves and grass - expires'

and iambic out in one line only, as far as I see - well done
‘While blown, | each leaf | has a | strife’

i’ll leaf (lol) you to work on it

spell check - 'bird upsores' - 'up soars'

love judy
xxx

Dear Judy

endores: though I am using it for the first time, I checked the meaning. One of the meanings was :-"Sign as evidence of legal transfer"
May be we can have other opinions if you don't mind it dear Judy.:) I know you don't

Any other changes depend on this one . It is almost the key. I spend a few hours changing this morning and unfortunately for the worst.:(

Hi Rula

up soars (I looked this up as sometimes words change spelling, sore can describe the reddish brown plumage a young eagle acquires so maybe I'm wrong?)
I thought 'snores' sounded funny and wasn't intended to.
S3 typo Falls
Using any archaic terms like 'twas' 'tis, 'way immediately dates verse, really should be a last resort.
I liked this, very assured technically, and a pleasure to read.
best wishes
ross

Hi Ross

and many thanks for giving the time.
It should have been Upsoars and according to my mentor Mr. Wesley, it is like upsoars one word. Maybe archaic I am not sure . It is my fault . I spelled it wrongly.

I shall look over snores again if you say it is not suitable after deciding the key word.
and as I promised , I shall minimize the use of the abbreviated words

Your reading and commenting is really appreciated. Regards.

Fall up shows – no rula-

Fall up shows
life down slows,
– no rula-

it is awful English, you cannot get away with reverse syntax here
- as you have thrown away the rhyme, why not just say 'as fall shows up' and ' life slows down'?

and why did you change it all anyway? it was fine before – you’ve thrown out really good stuff

sorry – what you have now isn’t as good as what you had to start – all imo of course

love judy
xxx

I think

You have to blame our dear Wesley . I know he didn't approve my changes but he never punished me for inverted syntax. Different schools perhaps?!

I know You don't like inversion

and
" Fall shows up"
"slows down "
is what I like too but then the rhyme , I need then to change many lines unless it is ok to sacrifice the rhyme scheme.

i don't mind inversion

in it's place - but there are some that you just can't do - that simply become bad grammar

and you have already messed with the rhyme you had - it no longer rhymes throughout

however you can always write it in blank verse - there is no set rule for the rhyme scheme of the quatern

love judy
xxx

i can't see

where i have thrown the rhyme judy
Seems it is not my day:)

I thought you said that endorse is not acceptable in this text so I thought I have changed to something more acceptable.

don't stress over it

soars, pause, shores, do not rhyme with shows
clears doesn’t rhyme with creeps
xxx

but at least near rhymes I believe

but at least near rhymes
Now what?
Back to endores if I want to keep the rhyme scheme at least to some certain limit.

re-read my first comment

you only had a few things to fix - and there were solutions without changing the whole poem
:)
xxx

Dearest Judy

May be I have rushed the changes a bit. I didn't give enough thought. I love your suggestions of course, I trust your taste and knowladge but my problem is that I still like to keep it "RULANIAN" stubbornness??Is is?Not quite sure what to call it :)

i didn't mean to use my ideas

i simply meant that you only had two verses to work on, and there are other solutions to those verses

- you didn't need change the whole poem :)

love judy
xxx

I like this poem

"up soars"
and the rest.. takes originality to write like this
and bravado
makes my mind bend
which is great

so I enjoyed reading this
because it does veer away from
conventional as it does

but for a work
for something different
it works for this old poet

and lets face it
in the fall up here in our north
there are great winds
that break things

Up soars

oh yes many things do

thank You

lol

don't think that that means i didn't like 'up soars rula' - i do

but i loved the write better as you first had it
you did what jess warns you against
you threw out some of the baby with the bathwater :)
xxxx

Esker

I am SPEECHLESS in front of your words. It is not that I don't appreciate everyone's else comments and suggestions but may be your words came in the right time to give me a needed boost.
If you have time I would appreciate to have your opinion concerning the first version , Which one do you think works better ?

like this

i hate to throw a spanner in the works but I liked' Fall endorse', it suggests Summer recommends Autumn to us , its pure poetic licence but isn't that what we're into here. This version seems to have a changing rhyme scheme which is also intriguing although i think the near rhymes of enclose/upsoars etc is stretching the sonics.

Ross

Thanks for the second read. You must know your suggestions and comments are always highly valued.

rula – put back the original

rula – put back the original hon
but just change it a little to
When Summer dies and (or ‘as’) Fall’s endorsed

and then add a foot to 'while blown | each leaf 's | a strife'
- maybe do something about ' 'way '

and you will be fine
it is a beautiful poem
love judy
xxx

Thanks dear Judy for the

Thanks dear Judy for the suggestions and the time .Appreciated.

One last tiny thing

'Fall' - needs to be 'Fall's' as in 'Fall is' for the line to make proper sense
xxx