Puppy Dog
Did I do it good enough?
Did I beat him down enough?
Did I shred his soul enough?
Was my tone sufficiently rough?
Aye my love
You saw the cut, done by me
You saw his pain, done with glee
Now I beseech, nay implore thee
Did he bleed enough?
Aye my love
Target hated?
Properly sated?
Sufficiently berated?
Now elated?
A question first, 'til you bleed for me, love:
Am I damned enough?
Last Few Words: For the brown-nosers in the world and those who support their quest to hurt. revision 3/9: incorporated Jess's suggestion for additional closing lines. I like the wording, but am not totally happy about the flow problem that it might have created. Any suggestions?
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hello Jess,
No criticism, except I found the title a touch creepy, lol.
Good stuff, portraying a troll in such terms, well done.
Love the structure,
beautifully word-crafted. The emotional impact, wow! The vitriol is palpable!
You know I am going to be a cheeky bloody elf and suggest it could use two last lines, and even suggest what they could be.
And now my love
bleed for me.
Thanks, gents.
This was actually written about several situations which had happen in the past. In short, a bully, and the woman who supported him, and praised him like a puppy. I suppose it could be extrapolated to include all people who hurt others just to make themselves feel important and try to justify their existence, attempting to feel good about themselves.
@ Jess T - you're more than welcome to add anything you like, you know that. I'd love to hear what you come up with! By the way, I love that Rushdie quote.
I already said
"And now my love
bleed for me."
yeah, it took me a bit to
yeah, it took me a bit to figure that out. Tried to work it in, but not sure how well it worked with the original flow.
Ouch!
Dear Jess,
ouch!...to whoever reads this and sees themselves in this?
I really liked the conversation style, and the reply "aye my love"...you nailed it my friend.
The closing line works for me:
"Am I damned enough..."
This is such a great write, and yet in such a simple style.
Bravo!
HS