Protagonist

Hi Paul, some suggestions:

Submitted by paul on 12:41 pm, 1 Jun 2011

He keeps to himself
A stranger in his own skin
Wearing society’s rejection
As a winter coat
(Wearing a winter coat
of society's rejection.)

He spits out the taste
Of sour failure
Awaiting the moment
(waiting to spread his wings)
To spread his wings
Out of this nightmare
(from this nightmare)
That seems to
Never end

He writes nightly
Until his journal
Runs out of pages

(love it!)

He listens
As people call him
Awkward

(love it!)

His room is a sanctuary
That plays host
To Creativity’s offspring

(I'd lose *is*)

His pen writes
(semi-colon after writes)
As his four walls witness
(and the four walls witness)
Passion secrete onto
(find another word for secrete! it just doesn't work, imo)
The blank page

He became
The protagonist
In tyranny’s novel

Fighting the odds
Burning down
Denial
Like a full
Blown arsonist

Wonderful last two stanzas. Paul your poetry is coming into its own. Well done! (I know I'm not always a fan of using gerunds, but in this case the poem calls for it.)

~Anna

I am just wondering why you capitalise every line? I know it's the purist's way but I feel it makes this read statically and that perhaps to remove it would remove the 'want' of the reader to read it as separate sentences. I think the flow might improve and I tried to read it that way by placing my own line breaks which worked as this

he keeps to himself, a stranger
in his own skin
a winter's coat he wears as
society's rejection

Paul,

I really looking forward to turning this into lyrics. The theme is right up my street and there is plenty here for me to work with.

I thought it was about me when I first read it!!

I like this 'running away from responsibility' stanza:

He spits out the taste
Of sour failure
Awaiting the moment
To spread his wings
Out of this nightmare
That seems to
Never end

regards,

HS

you have it down fine, just a couple of changes might make it smoother. What do ya think?
~ Geez.
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