You grieve
Like soft whispers,
Trying to yell
Be heard
From far ears
Of loved ones
Each word
Dark, frigid,
Lonely and, still.
Mar 13, 2018
The Process of Mourning
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Very intense descriptives to piece
Really makes you think almost hauntingly a fresh stroke off the tapestry on a blank canvas.
Thank you
Thank you
"T"
Almost as if you were directed by our Steve, though he would have led you through the whole process of mourning..
A great write, and could have been a "Sunku" but it is yours and your style..
Well done there,
Yours, Ian..
quite a poem
Quite memorable and well done. I am not really a fan of "eastern" poetry, usually to distant and too limiting, but this one is stellar. Great title, and great words. I'm going to put it in my scrapbook of favorites, so your poem is now in the company of the greats.
I am a follower of the punctuation school. I think you should finish the punctuation and not put a comma in the last line.
Congratulations on presenting a wonderful work.
;
Cool.
Nice to know I'm your newest addition. Understanding your opinion on punctuation, however the commas serve a purpose dedicated to the mood of this poem.
---
Thinking
Maybe "Still" should be moving to the next line. Creating that same effect without the comma.
Great piece just some thoughts regarding
I’m like the Sanford & son (Redd Fox of rap I got big dreams eating delicious ice cream watching yo bitches scream out living the dream. Ain’t nothing but a thing. I got this rap game locked this fat homeboy do think a lot. Boggy down to my sweat socks like the fame flamed Fetty Wap drop it while its hot. D Cyphr is making quick like fire raps a gun fire hire don’t call him a liar. As close as my new found friend peeps none other then Eminem working on his tan. Rex in effect in his super Nova body kit with phat rims wearing Depends…(Word) ! Locked Ferocious see ya on the flip side squeeze drop ya to yo knees as busy as a bee making sweet history !
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i like it...
...but a couple of tweaks would, for me, make it much the more likeable...
You grieve
WITH soft whispers,
Trying to SCREAM
Be heard
From far ears
Of lov'ed ones OR 'BELOVED'
Each word
Dark, frigid,
Lonely and still.
Best wishes... .val.