I still remember your smile,
a distant promise on your lips,
and the brownest eyes
calmly speared my ignorance
you became my private cosmos,
who could make the sun weep
unlocking a primordial shiver
my gentlest destroyer:
nor the world's strongest army
could offer
when your hands spoke
of intimacy
melted heavens with hells
into an eternal sunset:
magic in the smallest gesture awoke
Comments
thank you China Blue,
thank you China Blue,
the line "who could make the sun weep" just crossed my mind, while writing this poem. Perhaps she was brighter than the sun, hence the weeping lol.
Checking the grammar now. Thanks also for the invite, but I'm already in the shark pool, and must revise my poem yet.
Greetings,
Erwin
(a poem a day keeps the doctor away)
hmmm, what you think of
hmmm, what you think of "amber eyes", Kal?
Advoiding the cliche indeed...this poem is more an attemt of a love poem. In the Tibetans mythology they have many hells, and different state of heavens, I just don't want to be bound by only the Christian interpretation.....
As always, a very useful and honest comment, apprechiate it.
Greetings,
Erwin
(a poem a day keeps the doctor away)
hello
I am a believer in simple direct words. Brownest ? what else could be used/ almondest?,most chocolatly.....? But I agree with the confusion of using neither without an or /nor. Kind of leaves reader hanging. This is an easy flowing emotive write other than that...............scribbler
You could say, *your cat eyes
You could say, *your cat eyes calmly slit my ignorance*.
nor the world's strongest army
(omit nor)
[the world's strongest army]
could offer
(add not)
[could not offer] (I prefer can not offer)
when your hands spoke
(substitute what)
[what your hands spoke
of intimacy
melted heavens with hells
[heavens melted with hells]
into an eternal sunset
(consider removing an):
[into eternal sunset]
magic in the smallest gesture awoke
(awoke? is it necessary?)
Hi Nevel, to use or not, remember there are no hungry ghosts ;-)
~A