Having survived
a cleansing cycle,
in Gaia BH2.
We touched down on
Charon.
Pluto's only son.
I look back now.
On ten long years.
I wonder what I'd done.
To receive this kind of punishment.
Would my story be unsung?
My hands were cold, my eyes were dry.
I could no longer cry.
The cosmic winds raged on eternally,
but somewhere in the night
I heard another song to sing.
Which I could not deny.
We forge our heaven, as well our hell.
Most often by the words we've spun.
Another chance to start anew.
Another year begun..
Dec 01, 2023
Prison planet
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Kind of cosmically, but maybe we've all got a shot. Wherever we may be!
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem presents an interesting exploration of the human condition through the lens of a space voyage. The use of cosmic imagery and metaphors effectively conveys a sense of isolation, introspection, and the struggle for redemption.
However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The transition between the first and second stanza seems abrupt. It might be beneficial to provide more context or a smoother transition to help the reader follow the narrative.
The phrase "Pluto's only son" is intriguing but could be clarified. If it's meant to personify Charon, the moon of Pluto, it might be helpful to develop this metaphor further to enhance its impact.
The line "Mostly with the words we've spun" is somewhat ambiguous. If the intention is to convey the power of words in shaping our realities, consider rephrasing for clarity.
The poem's rhythm and meter could also be more consistent. This would enhance the flow and make the poem more engaging to read.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the reader in the experience of the speaker. For example, describing the physical sensations or emotions associated with the "cosmic winds" or the "cleansing cycle" could add depth to the poem.
In conclusion, this poem has a strong thematic core and uses compelling imagery. With some refinement in terms of clarity, consistency, and sensory detail, it has the potential to be even more impactful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Neo
A dark poem with a positive twist.
The worlds we choose...
and the methods of getting there, depend on the who we are beforehand. Personally, I like to drive my own vehicle through portals of literature. I enjoyed the thoughts contained herein. A rather nice trip. ~ Geez.
.
Geezer
Thank you for commenting as usual. I enjoyed the idea of a "trip".
Geezer
Thank you for commenting as usual. I enjoyed the idea of a "trip".
Geezer
Thank you for commenting as usual. I enjoyed the idea of a "trip".
Prison Planet
Reminds me a bit of "Space Oddity" (Major Tom) by David Bowie. The ten year journey in the poem stood out to me, which is about the time (9.5 years) it took NASA's New Horizons to do a Pluto flyby. I love this stuff...but mostly I love the human emotion and experience within it. Your poem and its title feel a bit eerie and lonely to me, but also ignites a spark of adventure in the end.
Thank you!
L
Major Tom
I love this song but it leaves me crying at the end. Bowie takes us on such an emotional journey with this one.
L
Thank you for reading your comment about the
Pluto fly by really made my day. Your poems are
some of my favorites. I really loved the one about
the sandhill cranes. I had no idea that it took,
that satellite, ten years to do its fly by.
I enjoyed your poem!
Lots to think about "out there" and your poem gives food for thought!
Thank you!
We choose
Yet we do not choose...sometimes we travel in one direction only to be derailed and moved in another. Sometimes we start with the best of intentions and somewhere it gets twisted and we wind up a prisoner in someone else's tale because we took a chance. Your poem really touched on all of that. Good job.
Rose
What you have said is so true. These ideas
are how I've defended myself from my own
mind for the past forty years. People don't
understand! They just want to fix you because
they feel for you and or are so preoccupied
with their own problems that they can't seem
to get it. In any event it makes for some poisonous
and worthless conversation. some folks
you end up walking away from. To avoid any
colateral damage! Thank you for sharing.
Dear Aesetic Night,
I love this sophisticated piece. I really like the distant feelings I get from this futuristic write. I have read many of science fiction and science fantasy books. I still love the turning pages an feel of a book in my hands (I do not think a computer can duplicate the feel of cracking a really good book!) these are my favorite lines of your poem:
The cosmic winds raged on eternally,
but somewhere in the night
I heard another song to sing. (I learned another song to sing)
Which I could not deny.
I would replace "heard" with "learned" and that is the only change I would make in this piece. this is just a suggestion which you may take o discard. It is a brilliant poem!
*hugs, Cat
Cat
Thanks so much for commenting. I know that no one
really knows what this is about, but I am so glad that
you enjoyed it. I loved your suggestion.