The hands of the crown
set sails to the wind
to widen the kingdom's
waistline.
They bloated and gloated,
without care or worry,
the whole wide world
was their backyard.
The fattened cow soon
learned the cruelest truth
when she rested her side
on a spire.
Like a rubber goes pop
on a needle's sharp top
her bubbling ego was burst.
Last Few Words: Synecdoche : when a part of something or something related to it is used to name the whole. Very close to a metonymy. Seen in the first stanza with "hands of the crown" (King's men). I believe the kingdom's waistline is a metaphor. The second stanza has got some assonance and alliteration, as well as hyperbole in the alliteration. The last two stanzas show an irony, when the kingdom's ego is burst by a spire. The spire is a symbol of weak opposition, but it evokes an image of a church or other temple. I tried to find a historical allusion that could fit directly, but history is much less simple.
Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
You've done our work
Your words in 'last few words' make it easier for us -the readers-to locate your figures of speech and make it a real enjoyment to read the whole thing.
i especially loved
the metaphor in "the kingdom's waistline"
And the symbolism in"he rested her side on a spire"
I didn't really start out
I didn't really start out with any device in mind, but as the poem developed, I added bits here and there. It only helped that I explained what was going on in there.
And I also love the "Kingdom's waistline". Gave me smiles.
William
What more is there to say you wrote it explained it and we just enjoyed it all.
"Thank you" your work on this piece is exceptional, I hope not many will take this as a hit on Empires although it fits a few.
Yours Ian.T
Despite your synechdoche
I don't feel this works as a whole. Internal logic problems. Call me sexist but an empire is a bull, not a cow, and nothing rests her side on a spire.
Nicely written though, admire the craft.
Jess
Feminine symbols are used to identify empires also, in literary texts. Like the prostitute in red on seven hills (Rome).
The "resting her side on a spire" was meant to be ironic. If spire is small and usually fragile, but it's not fun sitting on one, however weak it looks.
I used the idea of a large balloon resting on a needle point.
I hope that solves the internal logic problems.
hi william
great first two stanzas
imo kingdom's waistline as well as a metaphor is also personification ... great imagery here and in the second verse
then you lost me :)
I actually don’t see the symbolism of a spire as weak opposition – it shows that we need be aware that what we see as symbolic is culturally and ideologically taught
and if i was critiquing
‘the whole wide world
was their backyard’
seems a little cliché to me, but as this is exercise 2 i say instead - thanks for the mention of that tool
i like this write's potential, and i think it would be worth your while working on finding a history example to change those last two verses...
all in all – great contributions to the shop William, thank you
love judy
xxx
The spire, standing quietly,
The spire, standing quietly, alone, probably on a tower is confronting a large expanding mass of the empire. True, science lets us know that the spire is truly not weak, but that was the idea I was trying to convey.
I may not have done it so well, but there should be some irony in there. Take a look at my reply to Jess.
I'll do my research and come up with historical examples. There's bound to be some. Could it then do with a little allusion?