POETIC LIKE A SONNET

Such a well written poem. Very clear beginning and end. Great logic in a very well moving piece. A+.

Tim

Rendering a hand before you are gone? ~ Geez.
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Your poem is almost metered (and has a natural metering irrespective of beat-counting). I would ditch the word "our" in line 3, even though this reduces the beat count to 9. Otherwise you have a jarring trochee that doesn't flow with the sentiments of the poem. Get rid of "then" in line 5 and make hallelujah and lullaby into a single hyphenated word (so ditch the comma): hallelujah-lullaby. I'm wondering how we could fix line 6 (It seems a bit awkward). Line 8 is overlong: you can get it down to ten beats while tightening it up as follows: Into darkest corners where heavens smile. (I tend to follow Ezra Pound's dictat: keep unnecessary verbiage out!) IN line 11, start with "So" for two reasons: it clarifies what follows in connection with this line, and it fills out the line to give it ten beats. Thus: "So sincerely you love dance and romance". Line 12 has 12 beats which will take some editing to reduce down to ten, if you want this to be a metered as well as a rhymed poem. (It's so close, I personally would sweat blood and broken glass to make it work, which admittedly, I sometimes do!) If we turn "have to" to "must" which means the same thing), you lose one beat. Turning You are into you're loses a second beat. One to go! However, I think you can leave the extra beat, because, to remove it, would make the line flow less smoothly. Thus, those two lines would be rendered: So sincerely you love dance and romance/I must render a hand before you're gone.

I hope I am not being too impertinent suggesting these changes! They are offered because I see the outlines of a great poem here, but it is not quite there yet.

Oh beautiful woman I see each day
Striding about the Garden of Eden
Singing a song of maiden foreplay
Like two sincere hearts, honest and even.

Your smiles – a hallelujah-lullaby –
Bring to my deaf ears a sound for a while
That seems to say, "O dear lover, let's fly
Into darkest corners where heavens smile."

My desires you seem to know in advance
As I sing about you and then hold on.
So sincerely, you love dance and romance,
I must render a hand before you're gone.

Such sweeping you off your feet from the floor
Makes me believe you will come to my door.

I like yours…. Like you, I am under-educated as to the styles of different sonnet writings.