Come forth bow
down in repentance
Forgiveness is given
for your resistance
Forsake me no more
by devotion creating
this shadow
Degrading explosion
Revolting acts led by
the sickness of greed but
to succeed, please believe, he
with faith in Our Father
shall achieve
Last Few Words: I am unsure if I should continue this poem I am in need of validation of its form is this Enjambment? if not I shall put this away for rainy day if it is, am I taking to long without stating the political matter or the socioeconomics that is required for workshop? any help will be greatly appreciated
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Precious
I think that you should complete your poem first and be brave we can then see the whole story, there are a few emotions to go in as yet,
Yours Ian.T
I was actually just beginning
I was actually just beginning but im more worried about the
form and if its correct or is Enjambment different ..
idk my wife tells me that I "split hairs" ..
I told her I apologized for not knowing any other way
to communicate with people than to
listen to their words and the context they are said
by definition of words and context given
by them I then use that to tell me what they are saying .. im
a big word hoarder dork and I love it!! but I plan on taking this poem
way further in emotional jealous rage of betrayal .. I have my own views
on religion/ God/ Gods and me so this may upset people
but all the good writes usually do ;^}
I am also very um long winded
is what comes to my mind but ive been told worse
I write in length
is it ok?
wait I think that last question should be to weirdelf?
im very bad with website/ workshop etiquette
and apologize for inconvenience
im a beginner at these things
Hi,
Enjambment; the continuation of a sentence or clause over
a line break.
If a poet allows each line to end in the same place, sometimes
a deadening in the ear is caused, or a complete stop of flow and
thought. Enjambment is one way to create or spark the interest
of the ear.
Your poem;
Come forth bow ( stops the sound, not fluid like to me)
Come forth
bow down (fluid enjambment)
precious
I think you are doing well.I like to see where you are going with this.
I also think you can choose any form you feel quite comfortable with as ours were only suggestios and ideas, so feel free to change as you see suitable unless jess has another
opinion :)
Religion...
is always a risky subject. I think most of us have learned not to involve ourselves in the politics of it and just look at the work. I like the darkness given to the first verse! Good job, keep on going! ~ Geezer
Precious
I left a rather lengthy post here yesterday. For some reason it isn't here anymore. Just didn't want you to think I was ignoring your posts.
That being said, I believe all the posts above have sent you in the proper direction. Look forward to the completed poem.
Scott
I don't think you need to worry about enjambment,
you've got that. Remember the rest of Stan's concept.
Jess
I believe you are mistaken in thinking this is a poem written with my ideas and such in mind...........stan
du'up!
quite right, don't know what I was thinking,
sorry Precious, Scott and Stan!
Precious,you have nailed enjambment and the idea
and would suggest you work now on the rhyme suggested for the concept.
If i may be so bold, I think internal rhyme, assonance and consonance would work most fluidly with enjambment.
thank you for the help and
thank you for the help and comments
I apologize for the sporadic involvement
in commenting and actually being able to collect
my thoughts long enough to realize ..
I've seemed to misplace most of my thoughts
but im sure they are right where I left them,
waiting,
waiting for me to circle back
remembering the forgotten remnants of
forgetting to remember that I forgot and
was supposed to remind myself to not forget
the forgotten remembery
Hmm.....
If you want to add rhyme you could use rhyming words at the end of each sentence as opposed to the end of each line. That might add enough rhyme to tie the poem together without the rhyme being obvious..............stan PS just had another idea-----whoops there it went lol