The world is too shallow;
To hold a person’s pain;
To dry the teary eyes;
To hear the endless cries;
To hide from all this;
Where is the safe haven?
To live and not yet be;
To give it your all yet still, failed;
To fill a space with wounds untold;
To fly and spread its wings like a bird;
To feel alive and be so free.
Is it a dream to not be?
The world is too shallow to hold a person’s pains;
The odds are against us;
Yet we live, live, live!
Last Few Words: Can you take a moment to read, critique and share comments on how to improve this piece if needed? I am most appreciative of all your assistance.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Yes we do
To live and not yet be;
To give it your all yet still, failed;
To fill a space with wounds untold;
To fly and spread its wings like a bird;
To feel alive and yet so free.
Yeah !
Tim
Hi Tim, do those lines
Hi Tim, do those lines resonate? Thanks for pinpointing.
dear W. P.
for the very rich it isn't a problem. they live in a different realm and rarely even consider the rest of us. I feel that the day will come when the populace will rise up against them. it has happened in other countries. we feel that we are untouchable here in the U.S.of A. and it is an illusion. (I am of the middle class but I'm not blind) this is a great poem. I love the title. the phoenix rising from the ashes comes to mind clearly. i like the same lines as Tim.
*hugs, Cat
Hi Candlewitch aww thank you
Hi Candlewitch aww thank you for sharing your perspective on this piece. You are absolutely right, at times I feel the same way about how mankind treats others and the inequality that continues and poorer nations are affected.
I enjoyed...
the piece as someone who lives on that edge of anonymity,
someone who is just a tiny piece of the puzzle for the rest of society.
I understand the frustration of those who feel that recognition of the
[little people] is beneath the notice of the upper-echelons excepting for a diversion
through ridicule. I thought that your language was good and drove to the point.
My one criticism is that the last line of the second stanza doesn't make sense to me.
"To feel alive and [yet] so free? I think the thought would be better as:
To feel alive and [be] so free. Nice work! ~ Geezer.
.
Hi Geeza thank you for this
Hi Geeza thank you for this correction. Will make the change.