Patches

Barbara, there was SOOO much in this poem I would praise & sing hallelujah to... It was such a brilliant journey until I hit the bit where I think your personal passion overcame the poem & it became a commentary, a story, maybe, & I'm not even saying don't put it in if you really want it, but just have a read & adjust tht section so it flows as beautifully as the rest does. I know if you read it back, you'll see exactly what I mean, & judging by the other elements, I feel sure you could rewrite that section to reflect, more poetically, that sentiment.

Seems to me here, you channelled your pain & disapointment into a great write, then let those emotions have a little flare-out in the middle, then came back to the poetry, calmly waiting on the sidelines... Please don't be offended, you may want to keep it that way, but I feel as a writer, you will see, yourself, that it could be a far better work with just a tiny bit of adjustment.... I look forward to reading if/when you revise, I think it has fabulous potential.
You created the experience so well Barbara, I was there in that park, I loved it, & felt so close, like I was sitting right there with you, wanting to tell those boys to pull up their pants, you expressed that stuff so well.
These lines really worked so well in a gentle way:
Patches in the sky left blood stained
By the falling sun
as duskiness falls over dillion park
Children playing, walkers keep up their pace
on the one or more so miles track
Baseballers play catch on either side of me
Oh, how I miss those days being invited to come out

Patches in the cloud slowly traverse overhead
As it gets duskier by the minute and
temperatures drop below fifties
Children chase after puppy dogs
as the patches, once blood stained, now darker

Families enjoy quality time on the track
Father and daughter take strolls to be the biggest loser
Friends, sisters pair up to walk
A lone gentlemen with head phones takes a slow stroll
The joggers, the sprinters waste no time making tracks

Then there are those sagging briches hoping to score
But I'm not impress by the
generation of saggers

Darkness has fallen
Blue skies turned grey
Night lights shine like day
On the parkers unconcern with life worries

There are just a couple of simple editing issues I feel ceratin you could sort just with a couple of rereads too, so unless you request it, I wont go there, just missing s' & simple grammar in a couple of spots is all... otherwise I am so impressed. I do hope you work on this, it really is a great work full of empathic triggers, just needs an edit.

Cheers
A

Dear Barbars, glad you took no offence, I do understand the passion you were expressing & I suspect also some of the conditions you might struggle with (in a different way)... I don't at al suggest that you shouldn't express them (I see you have removed some... & yes the flow is better isn't it), just that in a poem, add them in a way as to keep the "feel" that you have created or at least that doesn't detract from that.

I still see a few extra "S" etc. no big deal, just read it as if it were not yours & you will see them. Sometimes the trick with poetry is to write what we seem sometimes "driven" to write without compromising either our passion/otion, or the way the writing reaches a reader, a balancing act isn't it.

I do hope you are feeling more in control of things (less nightmarey) Barbara, it seems unlike you to include such a doomed statement as your last here, so I suspect this was a low time. I feel sure you will pull out of it.

As I said in my first comment, I really felt you did a fabulous job at painting that scene & drawing the reader into it with quite a gentle art.
I would like to see you play with the stanza re the nail salon, it has great potential & I feel it has not had your best attention yet.
Best wishes
Cloud

Your words helped me picture the park and the people, some of the poem needs a bit of work as Judy commented. But overall i really enjoyed the evening you painted with words. Love Roscoe..