Parkinson's Abyss
stricken
by this hellish
affliction
their wounds know not
the cleansing of
bleeding
while time
ravages on
vile cruelty
of this
tiresome waiting game
takes its toll
on both
flesh and spirit
---------Anna's Revision Below----------
struck
by this hellish
affliction
their wounds know not
the cleansing
blood
of time
ravages a
vile cruelty
this
tiresome waiting game
takes its toll
on both
flesh and spirit
Last Few Words: this piece was written for two friends of mine, both suffering from Parkinson's Disease. thanks for reading, eddy styx (& cat) suggested revision by Kailashanna. Take your pick.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Wow,
What to say, sorry for your friends first off. Then this piece, It really is an unseen wound that blood can't gel, and time passes and it grips. With this i'd say you've done a wonderful job. Love Roscoe..
Dear Roscoe,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this poem with me.
always, eddy (& cat)
Hi, I think I know who they
Hi, I think I know who they are.
May I offer a couple of suggestions?
*Struck* is much more a powerful word to begin this poem with.
Also:
their wounds know not
the cleansing
blood
of time
(I think it's a bit more elegantly phrased)
ravages a
vile cruelty
this
tiresome waiting game
takes its toll
on both
flesh and spirit
~Anna
p.s. How are you doing, Hubby?
hello Anna,
Thank you for your suggestions.
Steve is doing fine, working hard, but he is good.
always, eddy (& cat)
I sympathize
impressive words and form that go hand in hand.
Powerful words especially
their wounds know not
the cleansing of
bleeding
while time
ravages on
vile cruelty
of this
tiresome waiting game
thanks for the post dear Cat.
Rula!!!
So pleasant to hear from you! Thabnk you for you comment!
always, eddy (& cat)
Anna
Eddy did a great job here taking away things and never asking for consent,
Creepy little creature lurking about stealing so much lol.
I am going to have a word with Mother Care and their contract department about him....
Sorry to hear that your friends have to go through so much I send them good thoughts of healing, Yours Ian.T
Dearest Ian,
Thank you so very much for you consideration and generosity. I know your healing thoughts will be appreciated.
always, eddy (& cat)
Cat
Hey ,
to me your version is a little raw, and that goes well with the theme.. Althoughh the word struck is a stronger word.
love
Lou
Dear Lou,
Thanks for reading! And I do agree with the word "struck".
love, cat (& eddy)
Dear Lonnie,
Thank you. I appreciate your reading and commenting in both forums. Your input is always welcome.
always, eddy (& cat)
I put spaces between
I put spaces between paragraphs for emphasis. You removed them, Cat. That changed the poem.
But hey, it's your poem, and your idea. We can only offer suggestions. In any case, it's the thought that counts, eh?
~A
Dear Anna,
my fault... I was in a hurry and I always make mistakes when I rush. I hope I have fixed it. Thank you for pointing it out. I am always interested in your opinions.
always, eddy (& cat)
No problemo, Cat I mean Eddy,
No problemo, Cat I mean Eddy, I mean Cat, this has been a good exercise for all of us. In another group I belong to the same two people make the same references to *experts* and how poems should be written according to their expeitise. It's so boring. Poem must come from the heart and with a little luck, perseverance, practice and dedication, we can and do *hit our stride*.
~A