Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

(Read More...)

PAID IN FULL (Sunku shop)

Ink blots
of deep red
on sandy ground

Thunder
in clear sky
without lightning

Brave men
no return
tears shed at night

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Wow Stan!!!...what an entry

Wow Stan!!!...what an entry you have made to this workshop with this touching Sunru. a great tribute to the soldiers....pretty moving...

Regards..

Hi Raj

I hope it's the implied imagery which makes this one OK. Thanks for the visit

Stan, I have got goose bumps reading your lines!
First, bright image of red on sand.
Notice how much of blood it must be if sand is saturated.
The brilliance of the visual image is enhanced and developed in the second stanza making it clear that you are talking about war.
The last stanza completes the poem with a personal sincere voice, well hidden tears.
The stanzas are connected and in the same time live on their own.
Thank you for joining us with such a delightful poem.

Hi Riz

Better to get goose bumps than to get goosed lol. I'm pleased the inventor likes this first attempt at new form

I thought you might like to

I thought you might like to hear one of my favorite Basho haikus that came to my mind

summer grasses -
all that remains from the dreams
of brave warriors

you got me thinking IRiz..

you got me thinking IRiz...what's Basho Haiku and how it is different from the simple Haiku?

Just Google the name Basho.

Ok will do that...here i go..

Ok will do that...here i go...

On a withered branch
A crow has alighted
Nightfall in autumn

Hmmmmmm "the simple descriptive mood evoked by the statement and comparison and contrast of two independent phenomena became the hallmark of Basho style"

pretty thought provoking and will make me work on something similar and you will need to confirm if it can conform to Basho Haiku...of course will take some doing till i get there...

first stanza speaks of

a possible mirage
accepted
second stanza
if Iriz had not commented

I'd have said incredible

third let me swallow
the first two
would then
stan lol at me
still will you