They told you time would heal, and you’d forget.
That there’d be no remorse and no regret.
And hearts they'd torn apart would one day mend.
Yes, you believed their lies and so did send
your father; he knocked boldly on my door
for property, of yours, he had come for.
Cruel courier, content with callous crime,
who smiled to see true love run out of time.
They'd told you that I'd not amount to much;
I lacked a grafter's grit and Midas Touch.
Besides, they'd weighed me up and deemed me weird.
(this future son-in-law was to be feared!)
Their daughter, you were told, was far too good
to love an orphan boy whose name was mud.
He lacked that precious gem: a steady job,
preventing him from merging with the mob.
But worst of all he was a Jesus Freak,
uncouth enough about that name to speak!
And God, they'd praise, but always did pretend,
to him was dearer than a dearest friend.
And so, to love we'd shared, they did their worst;
they crucified it, cast it out as cursed.
But even in a dungeon, dank and drear,
first love still sparkles, starlit and sincere!
Comments
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
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Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
I'm thinking...
that you have all the elements of a sad tale with a little humor.
The rhyme and near rhyme are good, buyt I think that you might have done a little better
with the rhythm; adding or subtracting syllables to the lines could make this a little smoother.
"There'd be little remorse and so, no regret"
"your father; he boldy knocked on my door
those things of yours, is what he'd come for "
Sometimes, the rhythm we choose for a piece is just not quite right for it.
I think that if you go back over it, you will discover that it will be easier to make it smooth
by choosing differently. ~ Geez.
.