Order Of The Bitch
a black heart
formed from
the darkest pitch
of a cold and sterile night
a shriveled soul
came to dwell
in a misshapen body
as evil wings took flight
corruption
was her teacher
true companion
from a tender age
the seeds of hell
were planted in her psyche
rage and damnation
burned upon the page
she grew to be
a twisted wretch
without reason
quietly insane
While she took
her perverted pleasure
of discomfort and rain
in the arms of another persons pain
Comments
cat
This is a brave write.
The read goes well until the stanza before the last where i felt a bit stumbled with its meaning but maybe it's only me.
Thanks for sharing and eddy
Hello Rula,
I will take another look at that verse. Thanks for reading, you're a peach!
always, eddy (& cat)
Cat
Eddy is mixing with the wrong women, twisted sisters a good name for a girl band or a tourniquet around the neck not sure how bad he is here..
Good piece but where's Eddy??? I shall do some research....
Yours as always Ian.T
Dear Ian,
Yes, eddy has been with some foul birds! This is his take on one woman in particular. Thanks for reading.
always, Cat (& eddy)
Cat
This reads a lot better now you have trimmed a few edges.
I am having trouble with Stanza two.....
a shriveled soul
came to dwell (Dwelling within)
in a twisted body (a twisted body)
as evil wings took flight
Would the soul not already be there in some dreadful state ????
I rarely query a line or two, so I hope you do not mind.
The word Came seemed wrong to me as this should have always been.
Take care young lady Walk with the demons but remember the light.
Yours as always Ian.T
Dear Ian,
I do not mind your questions :) I will work on the section you are having trouble with and see what I can do to resolve it. Thank you for your review and polite concerns.
always, eddy (& cat)
Thanks, Lonnie!
You seem to understand my dark side very well!
always, eddy (& cat)
Cool
In the arms of another persons pain.
I sat thinking about that for awhile and you know what poetry is meant to do that, make you think to wake up an emotion whatever it happens to be. Yes I sat thinking about this for awhile.
Hello mike carter,
and welcome to neopoet! Thank you for giving my poetry a try and thinking about it. I am the male alter ego of Candlewitch/Cat. And it is so good to have you here!
always, eddy (& cat)
The poem is sonically
The poem is sonically disjointed;(you set up rhyme and metre schemes and then abandon them) better to write in free verse. There is no originality of expression eg 'twisted sister' is hackneyed.
sorry to be so blunt but that's how I see it
regards
ross
Hello, Ross Hamilton Hill,
Thank you for your opinion. But if you read again, you will find that my poem is clearly marked as free verse under style/type.
always, eddy (& cat)
Who flung dung?
your poem has a rhyme scheme, night/flight, age/page etc, this not free verse, anyway that is not my crit, more the content,
'I want the raw truth...' so I that's what I gave you
sorry if it hurt
regards
ross
RHH
free verse
free verse noun
nonmetrical verse: verse without a fixed metrical pattern, usually(byt not always) having unrhymed lines of varying length.
Also called vers libre
Encarta® World English Dictionary © & (P) 1999,2000 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved. Developed for Microsoft by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc.
always, Cat
dear cat
just love – favourite stanza
‘a black heart
formed from
the darkest pitch
of a cold and sterile night’
excellent write
I did stumble at
‘and true companion
from a tender age’
the scansion is out somehow… I want the rhythm from the previous stanzas to continue, as it does in the following… perhaps if you drop the ‘and’?
one other little thing
‘in the arms of another persons pain’ (person’s – ownership apostrophe) - favourite line btw
love judy
xxx
Dear Judy,
Thank you for your helpful comments making useful suggestions. Your critique is top drawer, as usual. It is always appreciated when you also point out what you liked about the piece. Many people, me included, could learn from your style of critique.
always, eddy (& cat)
I greatly too liked.."In the arms of another"
its the psychological "key" that turns pandoras box open
or at least on its side for thought in this..
something different and I like it for that
sociopaths and psychopaths are free of the limited
confines of feeling and conscience
actions are mere workings for the end means
which may be vast or strikingly trivial
all in the meaning and context of personal
relation
your descript of cruelty of an individual
here is very clearly defined
but you leave me with the ringer at the end
in the motivation of the action
...
and this is what stumbles society and
intimate behaviour settings between
two or more
Everyone believes in the light..the good
it is our social construct to throw the
lifeline
or be exposed and open when weak
when others somehow
or make their way into
"the arms" of so many
in these moments is the human
moment...
without this we would truly destroy
each other long before this
and with it we have pulled one another
from the murk
and also have kept our most primitive
and intelilgent sides at our very side
so to speak
Vikings used to throw stones
for decisions two white one black
or two black one white
a basic one to three configuration
the rhyme runs smooth in this work
and I like the fabric of sadism
the descript of insane here
to make the reader consider
a great thought provoking work Cat!
Thank You!
Dear Steven,
Thank you for your in-depth review. I found it fascinating. I just love the way your mind works!
always, eddy (& cat)