Rula

Sep 04, 2012

This poem is part of the workshop:

Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

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The Old Fresh Dish - Updated (Mindful-Memorable freeform) #2

For a long time now
I've been fed
the same menu;
same meal courses
served in the form of reports
about murdered casualties,
innocent hostages,
and camouflaged conferences
to satisfy the killers
and the chairs' owners

then
you get your dessert
elegantly displayed
by our mother nature
as a volcanic eruption,
an earthquake,
or a tsunami

a satisfying meal
always served
stale
there
in the cuisine of time
for you
and me

About This Poem

Last Few Words:

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and

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Comments

sorry rula

i know where you are going, but it isn't working - at least not for me
firstly it is too wordy - it needs a lot of culling of repetitive things

suggest

for four decades
we’ve been served the same menu

quick reports about
murdered casualties by different weapons
innocent hostages taken in the name of fighting terror

all those camouflaged conferences
to justify their murders and
satisfy chairs’ owners
to say how sorry they are
but nothing changes

there will be a gift from mother nature
a volcanic eruption maybe
an earthquake or a tsunami

main dish
side dish
dessert

how do you like it?
want more?
don’t worry
you can get a satisfying meal
always kept In the fridge of time
and kindly served
old yet fresh .

even then, it is not really memorable .. still needs something else….

and, ‘to justify their murders and / satisfy chairs’ owners’ – I don’t get the allusion here… ??

love judy
xxx

I know what you mean dear judy

this is an old write,to be honest.I know it is too wordy. I tried to cull but I found that I make it worse when I do. I thought it is becoming ambigious especially for someone who isn't fully aware of the history of the Middle East..(IMO)

‘to justify their murders and satisfy chairs’ owners ( I was thinking of the kings and our representatives in general)
–

I wish I can get more suggestions and at the mean time I will be trying to think of a better way to say what I want to say

the perfect shop for suggestions

and please don't think i don't like the concept
it just needs a little more of a zing

love judy
xxx

this is what I wish

to have some applicable suggestions . I appreciate it and I do understand what you want. It is my goal too.

I love the concept

and in the Stream it would receive much higher praise, but this is Shark Pool, my dear.
A very important thing to consider with suggestions for change is "don't through out the baby with the bathwater". Are you familiar with the phrase? It means, when you edit something, don't lose what is most important.

I agree, of course, with Judyanne's suggestions, she has a certain genius in that respect. So I will add nothing specific except to remind you of the baby.

I've read all the revisions

and you have done a great job of making this more concise and powerful. The "baby" that may have been lost is it's particular relevance to Middle Eastern history and culture, yet in a way that makes it more universal.

Just a little extra punch in the last lines might help. What they say is true, but should we not perhaps be reminded that that freshness is stale? Perhaps not immutable if we change our thoughts and actions? Just a thought.

This is a very fine poem.

yes

you've worked well on this one rula

i would make one suggestion, as i think the allusion i queried the souce of is important to the write

that is the line with
'satisfy chairs’ owners'
belongs imo

i'd say
'For a long time now
I've been fed
the same menu;
same meal courses
served in the form of reports
to satisfy chairs’ owners
about murdered casualties,
innocent hostages,
and camouflaged conferences'

love judy
xxx

Updated

Thanks for the tips and the suggestions dears Jess and Judy