Aunty Osi, was my neighbour
starving baby cries wakes me every four
her breast like a gallant whore
dangling here, dangling there
yet a breast milk could not drop.
Osi, what are your breast for?
since your child could hardly see its nipples,
if not for cow milk,
many children would have gone,
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hi Chiori
Because of some grammar issues I played the editor. Here's what i got.
Aunty Osi, is my neighbour.
Her starving baby wakes me
every four hours with its cries,
her breast like a gallant whore
dangling here, dangling there;
yet from her breast comes not a drop.
Your child can't see nipples-
if not for cow milk,
how many children would have gone?
Osi, what is your breast for?
seems a bit hard on poor Aunti Osi, but i think this is the sentiment of your poem..I'm just playing with the form, not the content . Love the word "dangling", There's good stuff here.
But why does poor Osi have no milk?? Poor, not enough to eat? Drained dry by too many kids? sounds that way "too many children"... maybe fill in a bit of her fate.
Hope this is helpful, E