Candlewitch
Candlewitch
Oct 09, 2016

Ocean Dance (which style do you prefer?)

Ocean Dance

ocean waves
curl and arc
stirred and churned
by violent winds
on shore I
feel the frenzy
of wild energy
natural forces
whip long hair
into my face and eyes
as I struggle to see
the spectacle
of Mother Nature's
panoramic demonstration
of her prowess
almost blown off my feet
I should be frightened
instead I thrill to
the electricity in the air
the waves the wind
and lightning
all around me
the roaring in my ears
is almost deafening
yet I have never
felt so alive
I stand my ground
one insignificant mortal
raging with the
beat of the storm

Or:
alternate style suggested by: Judyanne

Ocean Dance

ocean waves curl and arc
stirred and churned by violent winds
on shore I feel the frenzy
of wild energy

natural forces whip long hair
into my face and eyes
as I struggle to see the spectacle
of Mother Nature's
panoramic demonstration of her prowess

almost blown off my feet
I should be frightened
instead I thrill to
the electricity in the air
the waves
the wind
and lightning

the roaring in my ears
is almost deafening
yet I have never
felt so alive

I stand my ground
one insignificant mortal
raging with
the beat of the storm

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

More from this author

Comments

jane210660

I caught the spirit of this and for a moment, was on that wind swept beach at the mercy of the elements.
Very atmospheric and if i say it touched my soul, I hope you know what I mean. Jx

V

The way you've written this, your detailed and descriptive words, made me feel as though I were as close to being there with you, without actually being there. You've created such strong images and have captured the strength of the wind, and the effect it had on you as you 'stood your ground.' Long story short, love how it read and made me feel apart of your experience!

val

Esker

Esker

8 years 6 months ago

spiritual "Bracing"
bracing is to stand against a force and hold your ground
its taught by ritual
kids do it...dare dare double dare
and in teamwork
and gangs
social work
for cops.soldiers.
now everyone belongs
to those elite units
or can join
not just restricted to
sex or identity

part of the tool of being
human is to not be
over run
and to dare it via personal
challenge
such as storm surf
(safely) is a rush
unlike no other

standing up against
things is human
finding the resolve
within is worth the
risk of being washed
away or "Blown away"
by the wind

one can.."stand"
against..and or for something
and experience it
its the most exhillarating
feeling...

I do it not as often
but I still do it!

I can relate so well
to this Poem
and its well written
the flow is more
compact and the
chain of word
logic more slicker
in your writing

Thank U very much
for sharing this vivid
"Experience Cat!"

Mr Wolf!

Candlewitch

thank you for this in depth review of my poem. and especially for this:

"one can.."stand"
against..and or for something
and experience it
its the most exhillarating
feeling.."

*hugs, Cat

judyanne

So lovely to see you here
I love this write (as I do your all) but find it slightly staggered ... it gives the feeling of being unempowered....

Imo (i stress) i think it would read more strongly and as if you were standing powerfully against the storm with a few longer lines....

Also, if you use stanzas it breaks the write for a chance for the reader to pause and contemplate for a moment

As you know, this is just how I read it....
my suggestion:

ocean waves curl and arc
stirred and churned by violent winds
on shore I feel the frenzy
of wild energy

natural forces whip long hair
into my face and eyes
as I struggle to see the spectacle
of Mother Nature's
panoramic demonstration of her prowess

almost blown off my feet
I should be frightened
instead I thrill to
the electricity in the air
the waves
the wind
and lightning
(all around me) - do you need this?

the roaring in my ears
is almost deafening
yet I have never
felt so alive

I stand my ground
one insignificant mortal
raging with
the beat of the storm

I especially like your last lines

Love judy xxx

Candlewitch

thanks for the welcome back :)

I take no offense to your critique...in fact I welcome it! I asked for an honest review and you gave it to me. you make perfect sense with your suggestions. I plan to implement them just as soon as I have the energy. this site doesn't seem to be working all that well today. I tried to post another poem this morning, but couldn't. then I tried to report the bug and got the run-around...so there is also a bug there :(

love, Cat

China Blue

welcome back. You have not missed a step. I saw and felt it all I have been there

Candlewitch

I know you have! thanks for reading and commenting, I know your situation, so it is really appreciated :)
love, Cat

Esker

Esker

8 years 6 months ago

I know China has a good tech grip on things....
where can I find the second version?

Sparrow

There are many storms to stand against in life and to be able to watch natures way of expressing its way is lovely
You have done a grand job with this write I prefer the first as it is more rough and not culled as an abating storm would be,
The Second is more poetic but just lacks that hardness we find even if the waves look feather like.
Take care young lady,
My thoughts as always, Ian.x

Candlewitch

thanks so very much for giving me your evaluation. I will take your words to heart! that is the texture that I wanted the poem to have, rough and untamed! yes we all must read and comment ore :)

*hugs, Cat

Esker

Esker

8 years 6 months ago

as in separate page
but the second version is on
same page..
The second is more polished
but...I tend to be drawn to the
first
..I understand the want for
the adjustments to make
poetry correct
to draw the telling of a poem
out more...
so I understand this part
also...

somewhere between the two
then!

thank U!

V

I think the first version comes across in a more powerful way! It"s as though you were writing it on the spot while experiencing the different forces of nature right then and there. The 2nd version may have a more 'poetic look' to it but again, I think your 1st version comes through the way you meant it too as opposed to the 2nd. I vote for the 1st one:)!

val

jane210660

I think I prefer the slightly chaotic feel of the first. It has more pace and that windswept, uncontrolled feeling.
The second is better as a technical, tamed, more honed piece, but then standing on a stormy, blowy beach, isn't a tamed experience.
Both are good, the first hits the spot for me. Jx

themoonman

So good to see you here and still writing,
I myself have hit such a dry spell I can't seem
to shake. Your poem is good, If I had to choose,
I guess the first poem would be mine.
Both poems have the same title, and both, the
first word is Ocean, it is unneeded there.

good to see you,
Richard