With mornings' breaths, I inhale my pain
and urge it to stop while humming "don't complain."
Those little nagging things are life's daily spices
we need to smell and taste, they're trifle prices.
But what really hurts is this worldly oppression
that paces under everyone's recognition,
and what deepens the aches into my heart,
I find no painkillers work to make my pain a past.
Last Few Words: Do I need the breakes?
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Hello Beau
Many thanks for the heads up , yes, it is breathe..I firstly intended "with the morning breaths....
then I changed to when the morning.... but forgot to change to "breaths"
As for the form no form actually intended. You can say I just burst out these few lines. Whatever surrounds my country and the people I love is very gloomy nowadays ...Whatever....
As for the "it" it is meant to refer to "oppression" which is the main pain I'm talking about. If you read again does this make sense? If not, what is suggested to improve?
Rula
A loving piece of you looking around, as you say there are many pains we endure, man will not let them stop.
That we cannot take on the ill's of all men, and repair the damage done to our homes and countries by continued Greed we will just have to tend to our days with that eternal love that never runs out, though sent out.
Yours Ian.T
Many thanks Ian
for your kind words. I hope my words can help even if slightly to change remove some of the oppression all around.
thanks for your visit and your concern.
I only have one problem here.
I don't consider "grows" a usable word. "Grow" is used in commercials here all the time as "...something that grows my business." Or some such thing. I would rather hear "...something that causes my business to grow."
There are some meter problems, but the content is something that troubles me daily... especially since I have such a direct connection (you) to the region.
I'm worried about you.
I know you do sir
I know how you feel and anyone who has the least human sense should feel the same. It is getting worse daily and we are waiting still the worst.
I didn't think much about the meter but 'd consider smoothing a little and perhaps looking for an alternative for grow unless you suggest