What Life Means To Me Contest

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NO ONE KNOWS MY PAIN

Darkness clustered around me
Moving forward was stalled
The shadows of yester years
still flourishing in my thoughts

My days are quite diminishing
I have lost the zest of life
My life is a pungent taste
Who will flavour it again

My dream never came forth
It was strangled to death
I need a financial oxygen
to bring it back again

My time ticks in displeasure
I'm disgruntled and bittered
I've inhaled the bad side of life
Who will amplify my life again

My joy is stifled, crushed and
halted by impending doom
The grim reaper raided us
and puts him on last rest

©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Imo State - Republic of Biafra(Nigeria), NGA

Favorite Poets: Late Christopher Okigbo

Comments

Hi Jack

Well done! I really liked this stanza and the reference to financial oxygen to bring your dream alive again:

My dream never came forth
It was strangled to death
I need a financial oxygen
to bring it back again

;

Hi Rose !

Thanks so much for time spent and a nice comment.
.

Nice rhythm

It’s difficult feeling stuck. I like the way you’ve personified the death of your joy. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I do sense the “life goes on” undercurrent. To me at first layer it’s seems like you’re really just hurt and banging it out for catharsis. But when I read it again there isn’t any indication about giving up, contrary it is seeking to be rebuilt.

Nice job,
Tim

Hi Tim!

Dear friend thank you for your genuine words of appreciation.
Rebuilding here; do you think it requires more stanzas?
How? Your opinion please . Thanks!
.

I don’t think it needs more

I have noticed an issue with verb tense.

My life is quite (diminished)
I have lost the zest of life
My life is a pungent taste
Who will flavour it again

My days are quite diminishing
I have lost the zest of life
My life is a pungent taste
Who will flavour it again

My days are self diminishing

The verb tense in the original actual works. But I think most of the stanza in past tense and diminishing is present tense.

That’s really the only thing I would play with. You used life twice in one stanza too so I used “my days” instead for variety.

Nice job,
Tim

Done!

Thanks for keeping an eagle eye.
.

Good one!

I appreciate you so much. Suggestions taken!
Will change it later.
.