The emptiness of space
crowded up against his face
It moved inside his suit
Surreal, the blackened envelope
enfolds him, gives no hope
It wriggles in his boot
Now he dreams of home and kin
Things he'll never see again
To Death, these thoughts are moot
There is just one, last labored breath
It echos in the ears of Death
He hears " I love you, " Awww, that's cute
Last Few Words: This was an rewrite and expansion of something I did for Chat on the darkside. I got the original idea from a sci-fi book I read. One of the characters is supposedly left behind in deep-space.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hello
Subject- A for originality, C for accuracy (I expect running out of oxygen would not be near this peaceful)
Rhyme form- A+ rhyming all of the last lines in order to tie the poem together is tough but well done
Critique- F- scribbler don't know what he's talkin' about lol
Seriously this was an enjoyable read............stan
Hello Sir Gee,
hmmm... conflicting opinions... I really liked the third stanza:
Now he dreams of home and kin
Things he'll never see again
To Death, these thoughts are moot
but I didn't like the very last line of the last stanza. It just doesn't fit the rest of the poem, in my opinion.
Thank you for hosting the chat on the darkside... it was a good time!
always, eddy (& cat)