I think about what I could be
but there ain't no breath in me
Plenty of light but I can't see
Cuz there ain't no breath in me
I'm the empty husk of a hollow tree
There ain't no breath in me
One kind word will set me free
show me what I'm supposed to see
Make me who I'm meant to be
but there ain't no breath in me.
Oct 19, 2019
No Breath in Me
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
k
k
This is the first of your
This is the first of your work I have read I believe. I liked it but was driven a bit nuts with so many “ there ain’t no breath in me” in my humble opinion, to many of any one word or line in such a short piece is monotony. So I tried a little revising below. Just my opinion not etched in stone. Keep writing!
I think about what I could be
Plenty of light but I can't see
There ain't no breath in me
I'm the empty husk of a hollow tree
One kind word will set me free
show me what I'm supposed to see
Make me who I'm meant to be
Cuz there ain't no breath in me.
RE
Great suggestion thanks!
Kind of reminds me...
of the Wizard of Oz and a combo of scarecrow and tinman; both of who were persons, but not alive. If you get what I mean?
~ Geezer.
.