Sleeping next to me
her body rarely moves
echoing the stillness
and dark quiet of the night
I pull her gently closer to me
trying desperately to feel her calm
The beasts of the night are held back
by steel reins of contentment
now welcome, sleep finds me again
Last Few Words: One of my earliest efforts, read at our wedding. I was trying to capture a small element of the larger concept of being in love.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Comments
It certainly does...
show what she means to you and I am going to surmise, that you suffer from PTSD. I particulary like the last line:
" The beasts of the night are held back by the steel reins of contentment. [Sleep, now welcome, sleep finds me again." ]
I would revise the last part of the line to be a line of it's own; but just my opinion. ~ Geezer.
.
Old wine always
flavors more pleasantly
like your lovely recollection
it applies to all satisfied ones
you were lucky
I have never read you
nor have you ever read me
may we