underneath the layers
of malice
there grows a palid
umhumbled deprived
gullish
to one day it will vanish
without you and perish
yourself
amazes at the past
and how things gast
undo fast
nice feelings blast
pass bad and vast
naturally they last
Dec 09, 2013
naturally
About This Poem
Last Few Words: thank you for taking time and reading.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Goodness gracious me! What an interesting poem.
Welcome to Neopoet and you've certainly got my interest.
The whimsicality of it excuses some internal inconsistencies although I do have a slight problem with there being no object of whatever it is that is ' palid, umhumbled deprived gullish'. Yes, you leave it to the reader, it's the grammar that bothers me. The conclusion is startling along with the rest.
I recorded it so you can hear it in another person's voice.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1rqSIs9jyqj
Looking forward to more of your work.
naturally
dear weirdelf
I thank you very much for reading and feedback.
it was certainly a first to hear this piece recorded. it sounded interesting haha.
I am new in this site I have just started.
thank you for the encouragement. I now see if I can get into the rhythm of things in Neopoet.
look forward to reading your work too! :)