No nation knows peace,
we are all at war!
We're always trying
to settle a score.
Even the evangelist
with his eloquent roar,
condemns the lost sinner
whom he seems to deplore.
What if in passing
we could turn it around
and bring things together,
by kindness be bound.
Healing our hearts
with a heavenly sound
before all we know
comes completely unwound!
Turn to your neighbor
right here and right now
and offer your friendship.
We've got to learn how!
.
Apr 29, 2024
Nation of peace (It starts with you!)
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Nation of Peace (It starts with you!)" presents a strong message about the need for peace and unity. The use of rhyming couplets throughout the poem creates a rhythmic flow that can help to engage readers. However, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery to help readers connect more deeply with the message.
For example, in the line "we are all at war," the concept of war could be further developed with more specific examples or images. This could help to create a more vivid picture of the conflicts that the poem is addressing.
Additionally, the transition from the problem (conflict and division) to the solution (kindness and unity) could be more gradual and nuanced. The sudden shift from "condemns the lost sinner whom he seems to deplore" to "What if in passing we could turn it around" might be jarring for some readers.
Finally, the poem could explore the theme of peace and unity in more depth. The idea of turning to one's neighbor and offering friendship is a powerful one, but it might be more impactful if it were developed further. This could involve exploring the challenges and rewards of this process, or providing more specific examples of what this might look like in practice.
Overall, while the poem's message is clear and important, it could benefit from more detailed imagery and a more gradual and nuanced exploration of its themes.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Hi Leslie
I like the thought. I was wondering if it would be an idea to make a line break between line 8 and line 9; since the first 8 lines is the reality, and the last part is the optimistic dream.
Tyro