To My Friends

Brothers and sisters of this blood path
our similarities of bled roads and mountains
that serendipity might turn seriousness to a laugh
'cause we each the ebb and flow of one fountain;

Together our souls search out for the cave
where boisterous smiles can hermit and hibernate,
in dreams we'll hold hands again
rejoice the company, sleeping fervent.

Awake! We forget our platelets tie
blind to our shared donkey
that excites as a mountains steepness dies
then creep moaning when the road comes shonky;

When we reach river's end, ocean's shore
approach the boat to other lands
it is then we remember our ties once more -
a solid rock split into separate sands.

We will converse in dreams or drawls
beside each other or denying oceans,
know without each other, we move with baby crawls
yet always let go of our deep sea emotions -

So remember friend, we are by your side
as the sun warms, burns or sets.
Forget us and let your ocean's spread wider,
remember us as we share your frets.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I've been having a lot of old friends come in and out of my life, so this is how I celebrate that.

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Victoria, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Rumi and the Sufi Mystics

Comments

doomhead,

I do like it and celebrate as well.

For me the rhythm is off in places,
but the logic consistent. Language use
is good, I did find the use of "shonky"
a bit jarring, although accepted in urban
dictionaries and obviously among people,
I'd never heard it.

thanks for posting

Richard

'shonky' prods out for me too.

'rocky' any better? As for the rhythm being off, it's certainly not my comfortable form, but instead one I'm getting used to and experimenting with.

Cheers for the advice x

Hi

Worth reading just to find "shonky" lol. This may well be a sample of the direction in which poetry is evolving. It contains some aspects of both rhyming and free verse with content taking precidence over exacting rhythm. But I'll act like the rhythm stumbles are unintentional and pass along some advice I was given. One of the best ways to check rhythm or flow in a poem is to read it out loud. You'll be amazed what this will reveal which is not obvious by reading silently.
That last line in first stanza might need a bit more work. To me it seems to convolute a bit to reach rhyme.Stanza 4 , line 4. I like the thought behind this line but rocks don't really split into sands they erode. Maybe something like : A hard stone eroded into sands? But this is an enjoyable read as is and my ideas are just alternative which are freely given and you are free to toss them lol.............stan