If you win, if you lose,
In success and in fail,
It is You whom I choose
In my heart to prevail
You're the heart, you're the soul,
You're the air I inhale
You and I ? We're a whole
dearly held in peace and pain.
Dec 02, 2019
To My Dearest Son
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
Hope your Son reads this..
Just a missing letter in prevail also the word Inhale needs an "I" to start it lol
Your Spell checker is being bad ..
Take care and a lovely piece for him..
Yours Ian xx
Oops
Sorry for the typos and thanks for the hawk eyes dear Ian.
I already sent it to my four sons and my daughter and they like it so much. It might be a bit of Hallmark, just what comes across my mind and as jotted as it is... Just trying to come back after a long time.
Thanks for reading.
nice work
Rula I feel there are just some cadence breaks which you should consider. Try playing drums in your head when you read your work aloud. My take:
If you win, if you lose, (I'm hearing da-da-DAH, da-da-DAH
If you succeed or fail, da DAH da DAH da DAH
Its You whom I would choose da da DAH da da DAH
In my heart to prevail da da DAH da da DAH
second stanza works in cadence, but the last line is flat sounding to me . The moon's pale is too abstract in this poem, and the rhyme seems forced. I would look around for a different finish on this tight poem.
You're the heart, you're the soul,
You're the air I inhale
You and I ? We're a whole
All alone, my moon's pale.
The poem is very lovely and tender. My comments are only my take in craft, and communication.
..
Can't thank you enough for
Your valuable input Mark. Really appreciate it.
I edited 1st stanza 2nd line and the closing line in stanza 2.
Please let me know if they read any better.
Thank you.
Very glad to make suggestions
And your revisions flow very nicely.
Have you ever tried some books about form and meter? I have read many. Many, like “the poets craft” by Annie Finch is very easy and enjoyable to work with. Also “small book of form” by Robert Hass. Or A poetry handbook” by Mary Oliver. It’s good to learn from the masters. Somehow new poets fear such books but they help free you and make you more creative. They certainly did not hurt the craft of those who wrote them!
Mark
thank you for the suggested books. For the time being Í am reading Steve Kowit's "In the Palm of your Hand" which is also an excellent one.
We should never fear reading the masters, not me at least.
Very moving,
Very Moving, Love Roscoe...
Roscoe
Appreciate your kind visit.
Thank you!